littleshao's

2006-08-31T17:15:00.000+08:00

Lolita's Wicked Game - A Tale Of Forbidden Love

this was one of the few musicvideos of Lolita i found through youtube. I had intentions of watching the movie/film adapation of the novel to provide a better visual understanding, and carve in deeper impressions of the prose. This clip serves as a warning how disturbing the entire movie can be itself. And how disturbed it will leave me heh. Just for fun, if you think you can maintain a distinguished line between your morals and the amorality(?) of the movie, then do go ahead. Even if the movie adaption is sucky, Nabokov himself has proven to be a certain master of prose and the literary language. cheers to a really scary and foreboding literature module!

2005-06-21T18:35:00.000+08:00

perhaps the human condition is such that we don't like to face our weaknesses. i have been addicted to the computer for a pretty long time, but i just never admitted it until now. i promise i will restrain myself in the next week or so heh. i give you my word.

i also want to thank all those who have taken my quiz!! =) whether you guys fared 'badly' or 'well', it doesn't mean we've become any less friends than what we are. (: and mann, also wanted to give credit to shirl and weiwu who is so far the highest-scoring on the list hahaha. so exciting. it's quite freaky to think that there are people around you who are such great observers of personalities. i promise i don't talk to them very much, but they still could guess so much hahaha. thanks for observing then. should learn to pick up the habit from you guys too. (:

today i went down to cut hair with wh and meiwei after geography makeup at Rave. gahh i don't think there's anything super special about that place anymore, just that it's some sorta habit. when our classmates talk about cutting hair, we drop by Rave at FarEast and cut our hair. almost always. :) anyways, it was a nice trip down to town anyhows. didn't waste much time because there wasn't a queue and we went right after geography. so i ridded the problem of stupid long messy thick hair!! yeahh. think it was worth it. afterwards, the three of us went down to Galare to have our halfpriced waffle. it was goood too. :D haha. maybe i just miss them lah. my classmates. ;)

and i've been thinking more about the idea of takng a break before i apply for a university education in Singapore. (if i'm studying in singapore, which would probably be the case.) talked to some friends. some think it's good because really, nobody will get much time to do what they like in life anymore. which is awfully true. and i dont want to be restricted by life just cause i'm in an environment that focuses so much on academic grades and results and qualifications. i want to have time to do the things i like to do too! some think it's not a bad idea, but risky, since the year after the rabbits is the dragons, and you better not compete with the dragons if you can help it heh. as to about losing momentum through the year, one said the guys in the army lose momentum too. i'm still unsure. about lots of things. all i know is that, if i don't want to regret anything, i ought to give my best shot and pushpushpush all the way till my As are over, and then perhaps i can sit down and think hard what i really want to do. :)

i'm open to people who wants to comment more hahaha. honestly.

shaO.

2005-06-20T17:29:00.000+08:00

i think i have grown so used to having a phone with me 24/7 i feel so uncomfortable with it for a few hours. i think if one day i was stranded on some island or in some jungle without my phone, i'll just cry until my tears run dry. unconsciously, my phone has become the most vital mode of communication (i don't use the house phone, and i hardly write letters.) and unknowingly, it has become my watch. my calendar. my stressreliever. what else.

out of carelessness, i left my handphone in my mama's car when she dropped me the bus stop before i went to amk to study with xy. i felt really unarmed. insecure. almost, naked. anyways, i completed pinter in 4 hours. which is both good and bad. good because i've cleared something, and bad because i think pinter is the easiest thing to study for and i took so long to finish it. anyways. silas marner, econs chpt 9 and a bit of physical geog, here i come!!

i came to a funny conclusion today. you know how i always had a preference for 'older men'? hahaha. okay, this is not how it's suppose to sound like lah. but yeah. i honestly have found the maturity of twenty-year-olds more attractive than teenagers our age. recently, i think that logic is flawed, awfully. i've encountered twentyyearolds who have influenced me to find those men distasteful. i was wrong. not all twentyyearold men are gentlemen, sweet and mature; and not all guys our age are childish, immature and egoistic. or, perhaps all MEN are the same. today in macs there were 2 twentyyearolds sitting next to us. they sat there for a really super long time, perhaps almost as long as we did. but throughout the four or five hours or so they were there, they were oogling and aagling and making a whole lot of rubbish commotion out of - cards. i don't know what card game they were playing, there mann they didn't seem the least mature or anything. there i was without my earphones and i heard they shout the f word at least 3 times. and each time they almost say it (like when they 'f...' in the lips), then they'll burst out laughing like hyenas. horrid fellows. i dont know. i know they are not at fault for playing cards and making noises and stuff. they bought food, although only a meal, and they werent making a BIG scene. but for goodness sakes there were people around them studying, and they were twentyyearolds, and they could have (if they were sensitive or gentlemanly enough), at least tried to lower their volume. their laughter sounded like some sort of cackle. heh. and the sight of two grownup men playing cards and laughing over card games is quite strange. i'd personally think spending five hours at a fast food joint playing card games with a friend is a waste of time. it's almost as if those two men didn't have anything else to live for.

then again, redemptive quality about them was that they could jolly well be old friends from long ago, meeting up again to have fun and catch up on old silly times. i wouldn't do such a silly thing in macs. hah.

i need to love silas marner,
shaO.

2005-06-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

urghh. as far as i can remember, my sister was always the one who complained of headaches and giddiness when we were younger. but they started to come last year end during the projectwork period. now it comes after a period of lackofsleep or stress. i don't like it. and when it comes, it's like a constant ringing behind your head. and when you shake your head or your body goes through some form of vigorous movement, it hurts. =X

i pray pray pray it will stop by tomorrow. tomorrow, i need to clear up silas marner. need to start geography. need to touch more maths. need to start pinter more. and need to start econs. even if it's just reading through chapter 9. jiayou everyone!! =D

by the way, who is grtew and siaooo?

----------------------------------------------------

today is Father's Day. i almost forgot. well. i wonder how we'd be celebrating this day if he was in Singapore right now. sometimes i wonder if i ever got over the hurt. don't understand why i can't bring myself to talk about it aloud. it's like stashed up in some corner in me and each time someone mentions it, it's like you ughh - touched my softspot and make me feel queasy.

i wish we were still one family.

there. i never said that before.

shaO.

2005-06-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

i watched Seabiscuit in the preview channel on cable awhile earlier.

while i think the switching-between-the-scenes were a little too choppy for my liking, i really liked seeing horses race on the tracks. i think it's like us on that racetrack planning our momentum, our speed, our strategy. although we may not be in our best condition, a race is when we give it our best shot to win.

guess sometimes i need inspiration like that to get working.

gahh.

2005-06-18T15:41:00.000+08:00

i like my new blogskin. compliments of si. (:

anyways, it is never easy for me stick to my committments especially when things start to pile in after the camps i've had. i just hope when all the negative thoughts sometimes get into me, i will be able to look at them all in the eye, think less about myself and more of others and more of God, and smile and walk over it like it don't matter to me.

have started on work, but it's absolutely meagre i think it prolly doesn't count. the fact that i received msgs almost every day when i was at camp inquiring about the syllabus being tested and stuff, kinda makes me increasingly worried. Others have started, and i have not. =X

anyhows, jiayou. (: keep going. commons isn't the end. we just gotta keep going.
shaO.

2005-06-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

i copied xinyi. made a quiz at quizyourfriends. it used to be something we did when we were much younger. but bleh. (: no harm reliving the past.

shaO.

2005-06-16T20:50:00.000+08:00

this is a recreation of my first draft on the camp.

Suffering. i think the theme of this camp has sorta touched some really tender heartstrings in certain people. i really truly wholeheartedly give thanks that some of them were able to share some really personal experiences with each other. some of whom i never thought had much problems. I guess as humans, we are all soft on the inside, no matter how optimistic or hyped or cheerful or strong we may seem on the outside. we should never take our lives for granted.

on the last night of the camp, a few of us gathered round to listen and comfort one of our sisters and friends. what was initially a two-person sharing became a group sharing. i saw new sides of people i never knew existed, and it was really REALLY comforting because in the midst of all her struggles and pain, you could see how everyone else testified about God's Grace and blessings. You could see how we affirmed each other's Faith in love. It was probably the first time i actually tried to share about my family, and i almost cried while doing so. but. (: that's beside the point. I give thanks for JT and Charmaine who were there. I give thanks hearing how they spoke so boldly of their Faith in our Lord. on the surface we may just seem like ordinary teenagers who go to school, study and struggle in getting decent grades, but working hard anyways. but no. on the inside, i realised each of us individuals has a story and a past perhaps no one knows of. we don't share about our problems and our past so openly in church even though we might have been friends for years. but in that one hour or so of sharing and prayer, i realised we all have our problems. our own share of pain and burden and hurt. some of us might seem to have it heavier than the rest, but the same solution and method of healing applies for all of us, whatever the problem or difficulty or trial. and that is, turning to GOD. He is the ultimate Comforter, He promised He never stops caring for us. He knows what to do and how your future will be like, and in Him there is no need for worries.

Establishing the fact that Success itself is measured in the context of each individual's own perspective, i say the camp was a success to me. like what marc said, it probably is another milestone in my spiritual life. even though i wasnt' in the committee, i was able to experience the camp from a different point of view, and i give thanks for that. i give thanks for the new friends we made, people like Samantha and Jolene and AiWei and even crystal and marcus. (: i give thanks for the short little sections of sharing we might have with each other in the camp. i give thanks too for the solitary moments i had to myself, folding hearts, thinking, writing down stuff, and just observing.

more than having a generally good time, i believe what made this camp a Success is simply the fact that my Faith is renewed in Him. While it was suppose to be an evangelistic camp, i think it turned out to be a Christian camp. But it did rekindle the Faith some of us have in God and i really pray hard this camp will be a possible turning point in the lives of the campers. that they will be committed to striving to live for God in all that they do and say. that they will be committed to drawing close to God, and not leave the "growing closer" part of the relationship with God to Him alone.

there were a few points in the camp i felt like crying heh. not cause of anything. just 'cause i suddenly felt that the Truth was so real and that the burden of evangelism to save the souls of our loved ones was so real, i didn't know how to go about doing something about it. I can strive to live for God. I can promise to read the Bible every day and talk to Him because He is my Father and my Friend. I might be able to share my Faith with people who open themselves to me and is interested in finding out more about God. But I'm so lag in sharing my Faith and the Gospel with my friends when I have to take the first step to do so. i might be a coward from this angle, but i never found it easy.

Wont you Lord, take a look at our hands.
Everything we have, use it for Your plans.
Wont you Lord, take a look at our hearts.
Mould it refine it, as You set us apart.

We want to run to the altar,
And catch the fire.
To stand in the gap
Between the living and the dead.
Give us a heart of compassion,
For a world without vision.
We will make a difference
Bringing hope to our land.

yes i want to help bridge that gap. i want to be moulded to do just that. i want to encourage people in their spiritual walk with God. i want to be used by Him. irregardless of the circumstances i might be in - i want to learn to put God first above my schoolwork. To serve Him not when I'm available, but when He calls me to. I have to strive to put Him first above all. just like He did think of us above all else when He chose to die for us.

-----------------------------

i think this is extremely long. but anyways. heh.

i also give thanks for the camp 'cause i think it really has helped me understand my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ more. i truly enjoy working with some of them for God. :) i'm thankful i got to know some of them better. like charmaine, jt, jiekai, melanie, meiyun and even my cousins. =)

whether or not sometimes i feel a little out of place, i guess our focus should be on God. and i trust that both of you reading this are still keeping my blog privately to yourselves as part of your promise hahaha. at least, i think there are only 2 of you from church. :)

now i gotta start mugging.
cheers,
shaO. =D

2005-06-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

lalala. tomorrow is gonna be the start of the third camp for me this holiday. i have been wondering how this holiday makes sense for me: 2 weeks and i havent' studied for even 5 hours. i'm so gonna flunk commons. :(

anyways. if you guys know me, i aint' exactly the kind of person you'd think about when you speak of camps and stuff. i don't particularly dread it. but neither do i go crazy and look forward to running in the fields and lying on my friends' beds and play poker cards till wee hours in the morning. going for camps kinda scare me to an extent, but nahh. i won't go into that. not before this camp.

okay. to be absolutely honest, i sometimes feel kinda out of place in fellowship. perhaps i've mentioned this before, perhaps i haven't. perhaps i have been just too busy to integrate myself with the newcomers well. maybe i have been so concerned with other external matters, i failed to connect myself spiritually and personally with friends in the fellowship. perhaps my position as Chairperson or a Group leader or something just sets up this strange gap. whatever the case, sometimes i wonder if i had a best friend, and my best friend had a church with a fellowship, and she invited me to go to her church and stuff. i wonder if i'd find myself worshipping in that church over time. gradually. just because i don't feel any connection to people here. sad lah, but whatever. just random thoughts i felt like saying out.

so anyways. tomorrow's camp. not super excited, although i must say i generally enjoy the camps i have been to. i hope that we take home a lesson after the 4 days there, individually. something that was especially meaningful to us, something that touched us, something that made us different.

till 4 days later,
shaO.

and i gotta start mugging afterwards. :(
two things to look forward to:
1. xinyi's chocolate cookies and mugging. hahaha. (:
2. our next suona outing. *i'm such an idiot when i do admit such things heh.* i want to rent vcds and watch movies and play cards (piggy. snap. dai di. bridge.) and snack and eat popcorn. and listen to music. and just hang out. for a whole day. and we'll do impulsive stuff like. ordering pizza lol. and then kissing charlie. hahaha.
and play truth or dare. =D

just very silly random thoughts.

2005-06-11T20:26:00.000+08:00

watched Sense and Sensibility on cable earlier on.

if only everything in life could have a happy ending.

shaO.

2005-06-11T11:55:00.000+08:00

yea i went to the beach with my family and yu'ans family yesterday evening. okay, East Coast Park actually. and we did plan to go bike-riding, but because we were short of one bicycle, i lent jiajun mine and i decided to stroll to the beach and have some quiet time to my own personal self. sad cos it started raining only like ten minutes after i sat down on the sand. :( so i didn't get to stone at the beach as i'd hoped. heh.

but in that ten minutes, i saw a family in front of me trying to fly kites. i saw a group of teenagers sitting around on the sand and talking. i remember seeing a mother carrying my daughter in front of her chest and struggling to balance bags of stuff and an umbrella so her little girl wouldn't get wet. i wondered. i tried to picture myself and my family at the beach trying to fly kites when i was a kid. i miss my dad. i really do.

nobody really knows about my family. i told only a few people manymany years ago. i can still remember who knows. elaine chan. my senior mui kheng. that's about it. and until i blogged about it once a long time ago, no one else knew. funny thing i never found it within myself to tell my closest friends. christine doesn't know. tania doesn't know. yee soon doesn't know. daisy doesn't know. and they were(or are) all my closest best friends. i don't know what is it in me that's holding me back from telling them stuff like that, but i just don't tell them. heh. sometimes i wish i could just say it and get it all out of me. i don't think about it much anymore. in fact, i don't think it bothers me much anymore. except when he comes back to singapore or when he tries to say hi on msn, or something.

i think human relationships are very important. so important and so special a relationship between two persons cannot be simply replaced by another or ignored. we could pretend it doesn't mean much to us, or that we didn't care very much, but i'm sure it's all pretty much a lie. because i pretend i don't care very much when i guess deep down in there i do.

i don't even know if he is still part of my life. every time he comes back and wants to take us out, i don't know if it's out of obligation i meet him. i don't know if saying i've got no time because of co or school or church or whatever are just dumb excuses or if they are real reasons. it feels so fake every time we see each other. you know he loves you, but it's almost like you've lost the connection and you can't find it back any more. i dare not question the validity of "loving him" in this case.

but he's still part of my family. if anything, i want to see him in Heaven. i want to know he has found redemption and hope in Christ. i want to be assured that he is a happy man again and he isn't living in some sort of shadow where hatred and disgust lurks. i want to know he is able to step out of the past and live life refreshed and anew with the God I know. having another family doesn't prove anything you know. i still don't think he is able to look at all of us in the eye and say i've started over and i'm truly happy. i still don't think.

mann. i know this is another super long entry. but whatever. sometimes you're just in the mood for talking alot. heh.

2005-06-10T15:58:00.000+08:00

lots of things happened today.

i have so much to think about. sometimes emotions goes beyond what can be expressed. it leaves you overwhelmed. leaves you to just think about things that may never have answers. a pregnant lady. an old woman with 2 plastic bags of groceries. a teenager listening to his walkman. a mother with her 2 daughters. a grandmother carrying her grandson. mann. how i wish there was someone i could talk about all these to. how i wish. how i wish. heh.

on a side note, mr sim recommended the University of Sydney in Australia when i went to see him today. okay i didn't go see him. someone needed company haha. anyway, it is an open door. he speaks of it like a dream school of any student out there. he speaks of it as if it has everything a proper education has to offer to a student like myself today. he speaks of it as if it was an opportunity worth grasping. haha. now i'm interested. but the idea of living independently away from home with all that cash required is really scary. especially since i'm not really an adaptable person who can assimilate into any culture or society easily. heh. anyhows. like xy said. dream. it's a good thing. (:

circles are round. i used to think we were just like a complete circle. i guess some things have happened that made me question whether we really are a round circle after all. i wish we were. heh. i wish we were.

mama wants me to go for cycling and dinner in the evening. i wish it wasn't compulsory, because there was so many many things to do at home. for church for school for myself. maybe they are all stupid excuses. i should treasure my family more. cherish everyone around me more. i love you guys, really. all of you.

really.

2005-06-09T09:32:00.000+08:00

after resting another night, i think i'm more or less recharged. (: today i'm waiting to go down to amk to study with xy for half a day. hahaha i can't wait. it'd be the first time this holiday i'm actually sitting down for some real hard-core work.

now that i'm sober and thinking straight (last night i was a little high.), i think there has been little snapshots of memories in the camp worth remembering. i really appreciated the video clip presentation the alumni people prepared. even though i have never been in an orchestra and i'm just this negligible little dot amongst the rest of the orchestra members over the manymany years, i guess the video kinda made me realise that where njCO stands today, together with every single achievement whether big or small throughout the years, is really a result of hard work, strive and unity. suddenly i wonder if every cca has such a successful uphill climb to boast about. i think about One Voice back in pl, i think about 4A1, i think about TSBC and it's history... when we look back where we stand from now it may seem as if things are shitty and ugly and so full of problems. but let's have hope in the future because years later when we look back down the timeline, we'll realise all the struggling and shitty stuff only made the achievement at the end more worthy and glorious. i may not be an alumni of njCO or pl choir or anything, but i'm really really proud of them both. we climbed and we keep climbing. it's something you get in return for being part of something. and i'm so thankful i was part of One Voice and am part of njCO.

i know some people didn't really have a good time in the camp. but to all those people out there who's struggling between moving on as before, and looking back in regret, i guess i just wanted to say there will be people behind you, rooting for you whatever happens. nobody will be able to please everybody all the time, but there are always people like me! [us!] supporting ya all the way. =D

and i know sometimes reality sucks. you don't want to live in denial of what's really going on out there in the world, and yet you hate living in a world where all the differences are obvious and sometimes you just don't know where to find yourself. haha i'm not sure if what i'm saying will make sense, but i guess to a certain extent i did feel strangely detached from everything for like months after i left nyjc for njc. heh. find your place in God. find your future and hope in Him. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) and i sometimes try not to think so complicatedly. thinking complex doesn't mean you're not running away from reality and thinking simple and optimistic doesnt mean you're denying reality either. when you have Someone as sure and certain as God, i suppose wherever you may be in whatever country, with whatever social group, you know yourself. (:

and to those who just needs something to cling on to... you have me. [us.] always. but there is also Someone there who's waiting for you to accept His hand so He can ease your hurt and pain, and He can empower you. He has always strengthened me when i was in desperation and in need. and I know He can and will strengthen you guys too. (:

i love you guys,
shaO.

2005-06-08T20:56:00.000+08:00

funny i'm not hungry. have a bowl of instant mee in front of me and i don't seem to feel compelled to eat at all.

more compelled to blog maybe. (:

hmmm. certain things happened during the camp that weren't too pleasant. like for example we didn't really have a midnight feast and some of us fell really sick (or sorta) on the second day itself and unexpected things happen. for a moment there i thought the prospect of us suonist having fun together was threatening to crumble. =X

but anyways. the games were kinda fun. heh. kinda. i think my group wasn't a super enthusiastic bunch of people (this isn't a criticism.) and we ain't exactly very outspoken kinda people. quite a strange combination of people lah, to put it in other words. heh. but no worries, i'm sure we got to know each other better. :)

i guess on the overall the camp wasn't entirely superb nor was it entirely horrid. hahaha. maybe we made the mistake of staying up too late on the first night. then the mood kinda got worse and worse when people started to fall sick and leave the camp earlier and stuff.. i really was conking out in whitby's literature lesson i'm very sorry. hahaha. xinling was sitting next to me and all the questions she asked me i was totally blur. like i couldn't think lit anymore. mental gymnastics. if i'm the gymnast, it's like equivalent to me spraining my back or something.

ANYWAYS. spending even more time with the suonist during this co camp has i guess really bonded us even better. i guess. hahaha. to put it in simpler terms, we may not know everyone inside out and outside in, but we're on our way!! hahaha.

i think all the late night card playing - sitting around on the tables playing uno. daidi. snap. all the minimal snacking we did or major snacking we didn't do. all the seeing each other lie on the desks and try to power nap. and stuff. seeing us with messy hair and in weird clothes other than our school uniform and nice clothes and stuff. sometimes it makes me really thankful cos i think it once again reaffirms the fact that we can be so comfortable with each other. :)

and i think we have lovely juniors. ((: juniors worth being proud of. really. you guys rock man. totally. =D i think both chelle and jx are really such nice people you couldn't ask for more. michelle's so sweet and jx's ever so funny. hahaha every once in a while i'll feel like the youngest among them for some strange reason. hahaha. chumm. i dont know what else to say about my two juniors, but i think they are both really sweet people. really sweet cool people. =D hahaha. i'm gushing over them. but whatever lah.

and yes nette. we shall have a suonist thingy soon. we've tentative plans to watch Charlie and Chocolate Factory this holiday. and we did have plans to hang out at someone's house, rent vcds and have this ongoing movie marathon with popcorn and snacks. and we could rent a chalet soemday and stayover. or go on a cruise. and have midnight feasts until we're contented. and 10 years down the road we shall meet up and go for this bagpacking tour around the world or something. OR IN ENGLAND! farmstay. bungee jumping. Bed and Breadfast!! mann. i'm so excited. hahaha.

and to our seniors, thanks for coming back!! (: and for wearing the suona tee!! =)

love,
shaO.

2005-06-06T08:13:00.000+08:00

hello.

darn. i actually think it's pms i'm having the past few days. yesterday was the worst, and today i find myself seeing red. =X

anyways. i don't believe it cannot be overcomed with an extra dose of optimism. hahaha. (:

hope the co camp will be fun!! =D michelle guarantees fun games, i'll have 2 juniors to support in the election speeches, there'll be our suona tee, the suonists' stash of midnight snacks, seniors coming back, and dazu and sectional practices which are suppose to be fun. :))

and oh yes, as an update to NYJC's nyjc-ccjc petition i posted a few days back, here's a Friendster Bulletin message i received from (if i'm not mistaken) the current SC president (Serene! my og mate! woohoo!). i'm so happy of my ex-school. even though i bet whatever i did was of negligible influence.

till about 3 days later,
shaO.=)

2005-06-04T18:52:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since we played so much for co. kinda sucks knowing you have once again reached the limit as to how much you can blow in a practice. as someone who learns music, i think the feeling of blowing and not being able to blow your best sucks. (and hearing your blowing suck, is worse.) it's almost as if you were attempting a musical piece halfheartedly, and it's your fault. heh. point is, you just can't go on. and that's when you start to feel kinda lousy about yourself. especially since my other gao-suonists can sustain their notes and stuff. mann.

anyways. that's when co practices during the camp comes in!! *gets all excited* =)

today i met my dear seniorettes and tania for lunch. well, budgeted lunch that didn't really fill my stomach but yeahh, lunch anyhows. (: we also visited this toyshop that had so manymany interesting cute stuff inside i wanted to become a kid and sit there and play for hours. next time i go to taka, i will visit it again.

been so long since we went out with each other. kinda stupid to know some of us still poke each other in the ribs and pull peoples' hair and strangle each others' necks and stuff. haha. kinda lame to know our seniors still act younger than ourselves. (: but it was nice seeing ya guys again, even if half the time i wasn't talking. i'm sure we all change over time... topics of conversation changes too. but nahh, we can still hang out.

thanks a whole bunch.
you guys are still you.

2005-06-03T21:58:00.000+08:00

3 birthday cakes in a week. just imagine that!! >.<

haha thanks a whole bunch for today you guys. (: i knew something was coming, but i never knew what hah. you know, there came certain points in this whole 'game' that i really wondered if it was wiser to just play along or act innocent and make things harder for you guys to pull it off haha.

and the fear of the unknown is just scary. you don't know what to expect and how to respond. either way you feel totally vulnerable and i suppose your response would have to be natural. heh. mann. i'm NEVER going to move in first when we watch another movie! and just like i didn't know what to expect with wh and usha running back and forth whispering to molly and mrbarber about stuff, it really freaked me out because i just don't know what to expect next. hahaha. (:

but anyways. nonono i'm not pissed or whatever. i'm not shocked either. i guess i'm just at a loss for words sometimes. would prefer not to talk than yeahh, maybe speak and put yourself in an increasingly vulnerable position because you reveal yourself to others. thanks. hahaha. and whomever's birthday coming up next: BEWARE. 'cos we're not going to come down light on you. oh no we're not. =D

yayy. Madasgascar was rather brainless a movie. Brainless but funny anyways. I think the thing i enjoyed would be seeing the different expressions on the characters' faces, all exaggerated and stuff, and hear how the actors actually gotta match the facial expressions of the characters and i think it can get really cool. plus sometimes you really wonder how animations can make the whole bunch of audience go crackling in the cinema. (: ehhs. and mann. Cafe cartel was good. but i'm so stuffed now. : ( haha. so so stuffed. the movie and piglet and chocolate cake and stuff was all nice too!! yay i love you guys*. :)

i'm going to have to memorise geography while running on a treadmill. anyone interested in joining me? (:

shaO.

2005-06-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

i post too much.

today i read about a couple who held the record for holding the longest recorded marriage in the world of 80 years. He was 105, she was 100. They still hold hands and kiss before bedtime. now how sweet is that! (:

even though my hongmei and i refused to admit it, i know we both secretly hope our future marriages, if any, should last as long and true. hahaha. a little far-fetched thinking, but in contrast to relationships which are not as prized or valued nowadays, i think we need more of these marriages and longlasting sweeet relationships to assure us Love still exists in that special way.*

i'm trying to tackle Marner now.

2005-06-02T13:02:00.000+08:00

nobody said they were true. i don't believe in horoscopes and astrology and i have made my stand. just selected my particulars and there. i think it somewhat suits me. somewhat. yea i'm bored.

Your Birthdate: May 29

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature.
You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world.
You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities.

The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension.
This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer.
You do, however, work very well with people.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

math and econs. here i come.
shaO.

2005-06-02T00:02:00.000+08:00

here's doing a friend ( possibly friends. ) and my ex-institute a favour.
click here if you wanna look at the nyjc-ccjc petition.

anyways. look at veli's photoblog if you are interested in seeing my geography field trip photographs from an artists' angle. (:

meanwhile, i'll catch up on more sleep. :)

2005-06-01T09:47:00.000+08:00

- smile.

i hope all of us who went will sort of form this 'bond' that won't be so easily replaced. i mean. we did share something special in common out there in malaysia. (: even if there were hiccups people meeting with injuries, almost losing the room key, irritating people and stuff, i guess it was special enough to smile about it. yayy*.

made newer friends. spoke to who-used-to-be-acquiantances a little more. had fun together. found a singing partner SIPEI!!. sorta rekindled the old times in pl choir singing on the buses and stuff. (: playing the hand-beating-scissors-paper-stone game that made christin's hand sore. -sorry- seeing people nap on the bus. nice comfy hotel beds. warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream and the really sweet roomservice man who charged us less and kept smiling and wished us goodnight. =D (meiwei forgot to tip him. hahaha) killing fat flies on the bus. staring out of the window at oilpalms.trees.oilpalms.

the meals were really goood. (: all pretty much of a certain quality, so we didn't need to grumble or starve. haha. accomodation was great too. i don't always expect to live in a hotel when i go to malaysia. kind of expected a resort of sorts instead. haha.

i'll be posting up more pictures. or making my photobucket account public. that way i can show you guys pictures my friends took. hahaha. sadd. cos i didn't have a chance to bring my own camera to snap my own photos. :(

anyways. the trip was really fun. maybe i got irritating every once in a while which made me kinda broody and prefer to stare blankly into space and not talk, but other times i think everyone loves everyone more and more. (: i brought jo jo too.

just that once in a while i also got irritated when everyone just goes crazy about shopping. hmph. maybe i am not a shopper myself so i don't go crazy when i am given like say, an hour to shop at some mall. i know malaysia stuff could be cheaper and have more variety and whatever, but i don't see the point in 'ahh!! let's go shopping! hurry hurry!' that sort of thing. going gaa-gaa over shopping just makes me wanna puke. like when we were asked to sit the monorail to do some studies on CBD in KL, only a few of us did actually really do the actual work. the rest of them (GUYS even.) actually had the nerve to go shopping, come back LATE and still laugh about as if it was one BIG joke. har har. that was perhaps the only time i was pissed. heh. maybe i was just jealous haha. but whatever.

oh yeahh. birthday thanks to:
wanhang - for making that lovely card. ((:
quekqing - for that fat pig. i think i might call it klutzy.
yu'an - for the presents. your present. helping my mama get my present. hosting the celebration at your place. (: a whole lot of thankies to ya! =)
jiajun - the little tub of surprise benandjerry's BerryNice. that's my favourite flavour now. =D
my mom.
the whole bunch of you guys - meiwei cheryl huiyi christin usha wanhang qq mavis xinyi xinling yixin (:
sher. jerry. godwin. nette. may. tania. janie. hashani. chelle. and anyone else. for everything.

shaO.

2005-06-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

haha i kind of don't know where to start my entry. i promise it won't be an epic. (:

whiles i may not have started off the geography trip with as much anticipation as cheryl or veliani did, i'm sure this trip would constitute one of the most memorable times in njc. :) i did spend my birthday in one of the most interesting ways ever and on the most exciting day of the trip too! physical geography is different out there - closeup with all the granite and limestone.

kinda amazing to imagine how all these feature are results of millions of years of natural physical geographical processes like weathering and climatic changes and surface uplift and basal undercutting and whatsoever. i really appreciate having the opportunity to go out there and witness the beauty of God's Creation for what it really is. the kuantan beach was beautiful. we woke up on the last morning of our stay in Hyatt and ran down to the beach to see the sunrise. the weather was perfect. ;)

nono. and my favourite part of the trip would be climbing the limestone karsts in kuantan. (sorry i can't give a more specific location. i'm not too good in directions and stuff.) it was really an experience because the climb although terraced with steps, was very steep. plus it was like really into nature, which meant spiderwebs. thank God there weren't many webs (in fact i spotted only one.) and i could manage the climb even by just touching the railings lightly. hahaha. :) but the real cool thing was going into the cave and looking at the structure of it. mann i was trying to picture this large river flowing into the ground and forming this super large cave. they used them for worshipping Buddha. and to be honest, i couldn't really stand the smell plus the lack of ventilation. haha oh. we decided they also touched up the place to make it slightly more accessible, so it's not really 'natural' in that sense anymore. but anyways. it was cool nonetheless. (: we saw bats there too!

and (chumm. i think this entry is gonna be epic.) i loved the rivers too. we did river studies, measuring the depth to plot the cross-sections, sorta plotted the river course with the degree of meander from the baseline... it was really quite fun getting your feet soaked in the water. then we walked over to some waterfall and took pictures and then when everyone was having fun it began to reallyreally pour. then we started to run back to the bus and stuff, shared umbrellas, tried hugging our bags because our cameras, handphones and stuff weren't suppose to get wet... but it was hilarious. hahaha. i had the best time in the world on the second day.

- I loved it.

everything else was great. i will blog more later, i promise.
meanwhile, thanks for all the wellwishes and sms greetings. i really appreciate it too. (:

shaO.

2005-05-27T22:35:00.000+08:00

whitby is such a great literaturer. :)
each time he deals with a poem [or prose or play for what matters.] that seems ever so foreign, he gets a whole bunch of juice out of it. i barely get a drop. today we discussed the irony of language. i can't remember what we did exactly, but whatever he said in the lecture was so so true.

just finished packing my baggie for the school trip. yups si, i know i should be grateful. i think i'm a sucker in the sense i always tend to worry and get a little pessimistic whenever it comes to having to pack a big bag and stay overnight with foreign people you have never really thought of well - camping with. like the co camp. not to mean i don't look forward to it. :)

i'm bringing lots of things to kill time at night. i have my Bible which i promise to read every morning. (: thanks weiling for instilling in me that habit to do so from the batam exploration trip. i'm bringing my letters so i can reply them [especially christine's] during the trip. i packed a cup of noodles so we can sit and talk and eat noodles at night. boy i'm looking forward to it. hope i can overlook the "changes" - adapt to the new environment - and enjoy the trip!! =D

yups. so from now till 4 days away.
goodbye.

2005-05-26T17:38:00.000+08:00

oh. this is really super silly.

but i'm going to spend my birthday in malaysia this sunday!! hahaha. i honestly don't know whether i will look forward to it or not. i know i should. be optimistic and stuff. but gahh. yeah yeah. i can't be negative about this trip because it's like a once-in-a-lifetime-almost-equivalent-to-my-10-day-England-trip experience that i will have in njc. i should treasure it. cherish it. love it. and go for it with an open mind. (:

i'm just praying for a nice quiet birthday with a few messages from close friends who remembers and stuff. (: what matters is no one screws it up. i can make myself happy on the day itself.

and i'll be bringing my Bible. :)

2005-05-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

today i went out with christine to meet up after a super long time. it felt really good even though both of we were really tired. but mann, talking to someone who knows you more than others is really a good feeling. ((: thanks chris*.

saw a whole bunch of pl-lites and srjcians. it kind of intimidated me. saw michelle* my juniorof2years in choir. but we didn't say hi. (: saw cassandra* too. think cass and i have a rather unusual friendship. she's a rather unusual girl herself. haha. not that usual kind of normal girl you'd expect to talk to. but she's awfully sweet and kind. talks a tad too much, but sweet girl anyhows. i remember long ago when we were kids we always met during Chinese new year 'cos her grandma was neighbours with mine. we played hamsters one year. old oldd primaryschool memories. :) it was nice meeting her again. but funny she's still in plmgs.

and yay. carrie won. i'm happy. (:
i think she's more likeable than bo. although i've nothing against him. i think they are both great singers. not exactly fine tuned to perfection, but great singers nonetheless. congratulations.

finally. dear xinyi* thank you for your lovely card. i haven't read it. i was kind of stuck between opening it today. or sunday. haha. and thanks for your public declaration of 'affection of sorts' for me. i love you a lot too. made my life in nj the nice way it is now. sorta. (:

shaO.

2005-05-24T21:56:00.000+08:00

been feeling rather uncomfortable as of late in school. don't ask me why. stop talking rubbish. it will help.

played captain's ball today with my class during pe. been a loong time since we last played captain's ball. And the last time we played, I don't remember having such a good time. i think it could have been because I used to be more reserved in class. reserved and uncomfortable. i'm quite uncomfortable with alot of people. and it prevents me from functioning normally. that's bad. =X hahaha.

hmm. i think the bulk of my jc life is suona-filled. chumm. what kind of life is this.

shaO.

2005-05-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

yesterday night i had a cute thought.

i realised i was strangely growing closer to my sister. (: it's not a bad thing, but i have a tendency to try figure out the possible reasons why. the two most valid reasons would be ONE. we are both connected by the suona. it is something special to each of us. and we can spend hours just talking or thinking or dreaming co music and talking co stuff. =) TWO. i think people grow up in phases. once i didn't like to associate myself with my family much. but now i kinda like going crazy with my sis. hyper. like i don't mind going out shopping with her. i guess we possibly share very similar inner personalities.

yesterday we went shopping after fellowship at bishan junction8 before the seminar at 6pm. it was really rushed, but having a time frame to shop for essential stuff is really good exercise for me - someone who hardly goes shopping for my own stuff. kinda force you to be less picky, head straight for the stuff you could purchase, and buy it without much thinking. haha it was kinda fun too. a bai chi learning how to shop. :p i am about to leave house to try buy sandals with my sister again!! (:

lastly. i don't see the correlation between this and what i typed earlier on, but i think one of my main ideals of a guy would be that he must have some form of talent somewhere in the Arts. damn i don't know where this is coming from. but people i did ever liked, all did have some extraordinary gift in music or art. seriously. hahahaha.

shaO.

2005-05-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

for the past few nights, i have been attending this "marathon" seminar at church about the book of Revelations. In case one is in doubt, the book of Revelations is regarding the End Times. There are 4 one-and-a-half-hour sessions in a day, 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening with the afternoon free. i attended 4 out of the 6 sessions the past few days.

i must admit there is that language barrier, now that i do not study Chinese in school and my main language of speech is English. my chinese has seriously degraded so bad, i don't even think i'm capable of getting an A for my lower secondary chinese if i study. (: the language was really deep... and alot of the terminologies used were biblical and thus foreign to an extent. anyways, i can only be thankful i managed to clear up some misunderstandings i myself may have had regarding Revelations or the Bible itself after experiencing the past few seminars.

and. going for these seminars, just made me more concerned about the coming end of the world and my friends. i know it may sound really really stupid to you all, or really really frustrating as to why i keep on repeatedly talk about my Faith in so manymany entries. but i guess i'm really really earnestly hoping that well. not that the more converted friends we have the better. but really, that my dearest friends might have the same Hope that I have in Jesus Christ. i dont mean to impose. i dont mean to come across as a fanatic for Christ or a fundamentalist. Fundamentalist or fanatic if i may be, i just don't want you guys to be turned off or pissed with the beautiful Truths God has to offer.

suffering.we don't have to go through it alone. in fact, we have a personal steadfast pillar we can rely on for support. Someone that is always there to listen to our pains and agony. Someone who is willing to shoulder our burden and stress. Someone who can work miracles and cause waters and waves to obey Him. Someone who can understand our grief because He went through so much more when He died on the Cross. I hope you know that Someone just like I know Him.

love.

2005-05-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

He lived for 39 years, fought in World War I. whitby says this poem is strangely prophetic, because thomas dealt with the metaphysical theme of life and death, and how he did not fear death, rather the fact that one has to leave alone, and he died in battle. the poem has certain christian-related values you guys might like to check out. (:

[p.s. this is found in the purple book pg 19]
Lights Out by Edward Thomas (1878 - 1917)
I have come to the borders of sleep
The unfathomable deep
Forest where all must lose
Their way, however straight,
Or winding, soon or late;
They cannot choose.

Many a road and track
That, since the dawn's first crack,
Up to the forest brink,
Deceived the travellers
Suddenly now blurs,
And in they sink.

Here love ends,
Despair, ambition ends;
All pleasure and all trouble,
Although most sweet or bitter,
Here ends in sleep that is sweeter
Than tasks most noble.

There is not any book
Or face of dearest look
That I would not turn from now
To go into the unknown
I must enter, and leave, alone,
I know not how.

The tall forest towers;
Its cloudy foliage lowers
Ahead, shelf on shelf;
In silence I hear and obey
That I may lose my way
And myself.

i don't know how to go about cracking the poem open if you guys are blur about it. (: but if you guys read it and understand it, well. i think it is really nice to know that you are certain of the future destiny you have. Not that it is "destiny" itself that holds your future, but rather, because you know where you are headed to. Thomas was certain Eternal life in Heaven was at the end of his journey of life and death. That even as he goes "into the unknown", he "must enter, and [will]leave" it (death.) ultimately. and with the imminent death ahead, he actually hears and obeys it "in silence" so that he can "lose my way and myself." Thomas was assured that if he lost his physical self, he would have a 'new self'. i can relate to that. (:

just for critical appreciation sakes. :)

by the way,
HAPPPY BIRTHDAY CHELLE.

2005-05-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

the fun of deception. the hiding the cake and messaging junior and teacher. the carrying of - or attempt to - burning candles from LT5 to the balcony. the hysterical laughter amidst the ridiculous desperation. the phonecalls and looking for a lighter. in the canteen. from the harmoc's buffet dinner's flame(s). from the teachersincharge. from the caterer. [who eventually gave us a lighter. and we offered him a cake. (:] ALL THE SWEAT. hahaha. (:

i think the suonists are a whole load of fun. :) mr wong joined us and shaopin came down too and we even offered mrlam a slice of cake. half a slice. he thought it was enough. heh. we took a picture with them too. haha. you do stupid things when you're with people you're totally comfortable with. yeahh.

i super enjoyed the 2 literature lessons with whitby today, i think either the poems were surprisingly easy to understand or the themes it dealt with were more comprehensible. whatever the case, i felt like i understood the poem. like for once in a long long time, it connected to me. i think it must have been whitby. (:

An Arundel Tomb by Philip Larkin (1964):
if you like literature, you might probably understand An Arundel Tomb. It is rather hard to understand from a glance, but i think it is a beautiful poem. ruizi thinks so too. (:
Larkin concluded that Love is "what will survive of us" even though everything else is subjected to weathering decay and death. darn. whitby was asking who actually felt that love was important and truly an immortal abstract concept that has permanence and transcends over everything else in the world. he counted 3 hands. there would have been one more. yeah i strongly believe that Love is not bounded by time or space. There is an immortal permanence about Love that transcends beyond human elements and time.
Love need not be the romantic picture Larkin was possibly painting in the poem. to me, God is Love Himself. we might have done wrong nasty things. but before we were even born, God was all ready to forgive us. i guess this is what it means when you speak of Love itself being transcient, over time, over space, over any physical human elements. how great a love is that.

and in our consultation with whitby after school, we did a nice other poem. (: nah i don't think I will annotate everything in my entries, no worries. but it was such a sweet little poem from the purple literature practical criticism book i just had to talk about it. haha.

shaO.

2005-05-19T19:12:00.000+08:00

i'm tired. =X
it's no big excuse, but I have been sleeping at midnight the past few nights, and waking up in time for school. and today i went to orchard to buy ~~mich's birthday present~~something. (: i will make a nice card and yups. tomorrow's gonna be a nicee day.

today as ms ting went through the El Nino effects on the climatic variations in the world. the more she explained it, the more i was confused. it then occured to me that the creation of the world is so so complex. i mean. like ting, i bet other scientists won't be able to explain every single phenomenon that happens to the earth. hot air rises, cold air sinks. because of molecules move apart or closer to each other. but that is as far as you're gonna get. why does El Nino occur every so many years? sometimes there's just a limit to how far things can be probed into. when the world is so complex, how can anyone claim that the world and the trees and animals and human beings and rocks and stuff are formed from a big bang.? if man cannot explain everything, could there be more than what we think we actually know? i am sure even the most researched or knowledgeable scientist out there cannot answer all the questions regarding this or that. the answers lies with God man, all the rest are just merely our hypotheses. (: that's just my two cents worth. after reading the geography notes. yups.

and yes. in literature today champagne was going through chapter 6 of Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. the end of the chapter was describing the "fence" which was an "instant death" to any animal that came "too close" to it. it was rather grosteque an image, but the point was that people in that world were conditioned to be removed from emotions. Emotions - like empathy and compassion - that used to shape the value system of man. but i kinda was led into wondering if our society now is also gradually losing the capacity to feel for any other living thing. the green-uniformed pilot laughed at the electrocuted animals. we laugh at people who injure themselves. we laugh at people who do stupid things and hurt themselves. all the more if we do not have a good impression of them. we smirk when people "never learn". no, i am sure our society is still capable of feeling. of loving. but sometimes observations of people challenge what i was certain of.

dinner beckons (:
shaO.

2005-05-17T21:37:00.000+08:00

headache. >

2005-05-16T13:43:00.000+08:00

i have so many things to do. but i just wanted to say that i think being part of a cca in school is really something to give thanks for.

i was surfing around in my relaxation time, and came across many blogs with people talking - just like me - about how much they love their cca and a particular section of group of them. a particular bunch of friends you hang out with that just makes you happy. in choir. in dance. in co. (: i think it's really sweet. that cca forms such a big part of your college life and bearing in mind collegelife is a majormajor part of our lives now, that cca itself constitutes a pretty big part of our lives on the whole. it's nice to know so many people find life happier and more meaningful because they have nice cca friends to spend their college life with.

when it all falls back into place, being in a cca which is super timeconsuming and heavy isn't really all that bad. i am not speaking for myself in case you guys find i'm such a moron who cannot stop crooning over my suonists. haha. i'm speaking from observations at a general level. i'm just glad there are people out there who is enjoying cca as much as i am.

smiles.

2005-05-15T23:06:00.000+08:00

there was suddenly an influx of new friends that joined the fellowship today. 2 girls, 2 guys. goodness, praise God. (:
in the midst of all the excitement, Him accepted Christ today too. :)) yayy. he's usually always so broody, but i'm so glad he seemed assured and confident of what he was deciding about today. some of the other Thai friends were quite upset or unsettled by his conversion though.. i do so hope Aui gets over it and smiles. she did seem quite unhappy afterwards. i do so hope Him stays firm with his Faith. after all, it is something of eternal value and worth.

anyways. i reallyreally had a great time tonight - dinner with the suonists. =D glad we made it possible, even though more than half of us was late and one of us didn't show up eventually. [glares at jx.] we ate at kennyrogers. the last time i went to that place to eat, was when my dad came back from shanghai and took us all to eat some meal there. that was about years ago. it was awfully filling and awfully good, but awfully expensive as well. heh.
but i truly thank God for you guys brightening up my life in njc a whole bunch. 'cos honestly, i think i'm so glad to have you all in nj to the extent i'm almost obsessed with you all and that doesn't sound too good. =\ i mean the company tonight was great. jesseln was high and so was everyone at the end of the meal. except maybe aaron. heh. (: even had a stupid time playing zhoujimima. and we met chongs from afar! :) yayy. suonists just rock man.

was thinking about the whole concept of making friends. guess not everyone makes friends out of genuine interest in being first a good friend to someone else. we always expect to gain something in return from a friendship. At least, that's the way i see it very often now. it's so rare to find a friendship or friendships which you can truly say "i love these people for who they are". even though they may not love you back as much you love them. haha.
cherish these friendships man.

time can always catch up on us and then we'll never have the chance to experience such friendships.

i miss you all.
and will probably miss you all. (:

shaO.

2005-05-14T21:47:00.000+08:00

today was college day.
if it means so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY NJC. (=

a few of us were quite dissatisfied about the fact that our class was one of the few whom the school honoured by giving us the task of cleaning up the school while the rest of the students watched the performance. anyhow, we slacked and then we snuck into lt1 and watched the preview and I suppose there wasn't much regulation imposed upon us and our supposed duty. heh. we also left early to have dinner at CurryWok near coronation plaza. yumms, homecooked food and good service. lovely meal. haha. good thing i didn't splurge my cash on college day foodfair this year. =) i didn't really feel anything for the school though. Not that I was expecting to, hah. Back in PL, i remember waiting until we were Primary6 before we were invited back as guests for Founder's Day. (14 August, no?) in secondary school, the upper secondary students always had the privilege of staying in the hall to watch the performance live. i never thought we would be asked to clean up the school this year. rubbish. if college day was meant for students to rekindle their passion for the school, i didn't feel anything of that sort. i'm just wishing i didn't have to waste 3 hours of my time in school trying to entertain myself.

here's a poem i read in nadia's friendster bulletin post. it makes boy a lot of sense, and while you guys may not believe in the gospel and stuff, i suppose it's relevant to alot of us. 'cos it simply causes us to think. about life and death. and your souls.

Have you ever stopped to wonder
What this life is all about?
Why you're here and where you're going
When your lease of time runs out?
Maybe you've been far too busy,
Trying hard to reach your goal;
Would you let me ask you kindly,
Have you thought about your soul?

You may reach the highest portals,
And your dreams may all come true,
Wealth and fame may be your portion,
And success may shine on you.
All your friends may sing your praises,
Not a care on you may roll;
What about the great tomorrow
-Have you thought about your soul?

Don't forget your days are numbered
Though you may be riding high,
But, like all of us poor mortals,
Someday, sure you have to die.
Your success and fame and glory,
Won't be worth the bell they toll;
Let me ask you just one question,
Have you thought about your soul?

If you've never thought it over,
Spend a little time today;
There is nothing more important,
That will ever come your way,
Than the joy of sins forgiven,
And to know you've been made whole,
In the Name of Christ, my Saviour,
Stop and think about your soul.

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the wholeworld and lose his own soul" Mark 8:36

2005-05-13T17:02:00.000+08:00

i know it is not your fault. in fact i can sorta feel you are trying to make things easier for me, and i thank you for that. seriously. i did not cry, but as i saw your face growing smaller as the distance between us grew greather.. i kinda felt sour on the inside. Like having lime in a cut on your finger. thank you for loving us the way we are.
i love her. she's growing so much more intelligent, so much more witty and adorable all at the same time. Boy would it be nice to know she has found Hope in Jesus. (: kinda sad we can't grow up with her heh.

tomorrow is college day. but we won't get to see the performances lined up in the hall. instead they sent nair's class to go guard duty around the school. sad. but anyways. i have decided to try love the school for the simple way it is. i mean, back in PL we always sang of the school as family. and even when your family sucks sometimes like you punch your brother and your sister squabble over the computer and your mom just keeps nagging and your dad just doesn't care... i guess when we talk about family it means accepting you even if you're a bad child. (: so no matter whether people think nj's a muggerish school, or that nj's uniform is so grey it's ugly, or that nj doesn't produce creative thinkers but dull scholars or whatever. i guess it's all part of loving the community you are in, cos it's like family. =D

and yayy. suonist outing on sunday evening. can't wait. (=

and a free day on monday. woohoo.

homework time. (:
shaO.

2005-05-12T10:36:00.000+08:00

didn't go to school today.

i wish things were simpler. like you didn't have to come back to singapore now. and while it isn't your fault, sometimes i really feel like i'm obliged to do listen to all of you. i hate feeling torn between you and responsibilities i have and the extra time i need. i hate feeling as if if i don't meet to your expectations you'll feel ultra disappointed and they'll accuse me of being unfilial and whatever. i don't even know if what i'm trying to enjoy now is a real relationship between us.

gahh.

2005-05-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you." 1 Chronicles 28:20

i know some of us really going through real hard times right now. Hard not in the simple sense whereby normal people struggle with cca and school and relationship problems and stuff. Hard as in it's really mentally draining because things around you just takes so much away from you and doesn't give anything in return.

i really want to say something, but i don't know how. sounds stupid i know, but sometimes words just can't be easily expressed.

you just hold on. and yes, we'll be there for you no matter what. like family yeah. it's nice to know that when you're facing death, you are not alone. in fact, if you are willing to believe it, you have the One who conquered death for our sakes. and He is standing on your side. no, it isn't scary at all when you know He stands with you. that Blessed Assurance we cannot deny. we do not need to fear death, or shun the impending thought of it. When we have Jesus, physical death is the beginning of a new life. that never ends.

i love you.

shaO.

2005-05-09T19:17:00.000+08:00

wohoho. we had a 1/3 day today according to MrsCheng. (: maybe i'm gullible in believing people, but i felt she justified her rationale behind giving us halfdays instead of fulldays pretty well. i would rather have a half day off than a full day when we gotta make up for it. what actually was a one-third day ending at 1140am actually turned out to be one of those days i reached home at 330pm too early to go straight into work but too late to nap. haha. went out with mavis and xinling at j8's kfc outlet. simple meal. but remember - i have been craving for kfc's popcorn chicken for ages. yayy. :))

anyhows. i know i may sound really mean now. but i'm really thankful i'm not going to have to co-room with qq alone for 4 days 3 nights in the same hotel room, i think i could either faint or blow up. thanks mw. although i dont know if you had a choice or would really like to. thanks for coming to my partial rescue anyways.

been watching tv and hearing that (is it darlie's?) flossing advertisement - and the song Can't smile without you is just runningrunning through my head. hee. kinda like it quite abit. (:

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well I'm finding it hard leavin' your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm findin' it hard to do anything

You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you...
Artist: Barry Manilow

shaO

2005-05-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

back from Batam, Indonesia. realised not having the weekend to catch up on whatever sleep we've been deprived of is quite exhasting. i hope we recharge asap and get-set-ready-go for school. (:

never been to Batam for a long time. Not to those "small islands" we visited, with plans to "adopt" them in mind. It wasn't a long trip, just basically a chance to observe the environment and lifestyles of the people the children living there. as to how we will go about developing a plan to educate these children in the longrun, we will have to further discuss come wednesday.

i'm thankful for this trip. spending a day with 5 mature young adults may make me feel a little off place at certain moments. but i do playing the role of the observer for a change, and I did enjoy the conversations we had with weiling. i really think she and marcus has a gift for communication. they really make you feel comfortable sharing with them even your deepest thoughts about certain issues. (:

when I visited one of the villages with properly-constructed school buildings (located next to some place the man were drying ikan bilis!), the children were either extremely obedient and attentive; or they took such interest in us because the pastor introduced us as "their new english teachers". haha. honestly, it suddenly struck me how much i always took my education for granted. even my level of intelligence (whatever certain level i have. heh.) - trust me. I never thought of where my intelligence came from. I always thought I was born with it. that i could study and do reasonably acceptably relatively well for exams i put my heart and soul into. nothing too bad would come out of it because nothing too bad could come out of it. i never considered that i could have been born into a place like the kampong villages in Batam where the lack of education itself was a reality.

i give thanks for my education in njc. i'm actually pretty much of a nobody without Him. haha. (:

ahh. tired. gp geog and lit essay here i come.

shaO.

2005-05-06T17:16:00.000+08:00

when we've settled down, we should get back to perfecting our music. (:

will be going on a short one night trip to Batam for some ministry, regarding children education. I honestly don't know what exactly is expected of myself on this travel, but I hope it will be an experience i can learn from. :)

now that everything is more or less back to normal in my life, i look back at the syf memories, and can only give thanks.*

Thanks for everything.
shaO.

2005-05-04T17:25:00.000+08:00

this is after we got the good news. standing there estatic and proud. ((: you guys totally rock my world. yayy.*

p.s. and yes, that's our mrwong. :D

2005-05-04T17:00:00.000+08:00

last night and this morning my phone was continuously receiving messages about how amazing the whole experience itself was. I was really so touched by all the smses I received.. i even saved it in my inbox till now. And using the old singtel phone, I don't have much inbox space hahaha. It does mean alot to me. =)

There are so many people to thank. But most of all, I wanna say a BIG thank You to God. I really think if it wasn't Him in control of everything... sustaining us even though oftimes we really felt like conking out... and blessing us with such wonderful wonderful teachers, instructors, conductors. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for Him, things wouldn't have turned out so ultra smoothly. Don't take anything for granted man. (: I'm sure God deserves all the Glory.
As I was hoping to explain, praying to God won't guarantee a Gold award. It wouldn't guarantee things will turn out great because He's God. God loves us - but it shouldn't be an obligation of His to answer all our requests and stuff. Nope, that's what makes Him God. The super thing about the logic here is that you can rest assure no matter what happens, it is ultimately for our good and it's accordance to His plan. Don't ask me why life is so full of troubles and depressing things... I guess if life was only filled with happiness and carefreeness and all the positive things, it would diminish the value and worth of all these good things we cherish so much now. :)
I did pray. and I'm so glad He brought us through.

thank you shaopin, jesseln, siqi, zhangting for coming down whenever you guys could. You guys keep saying we juniors have done so well, but honestly. If it wasn't for your support your encouragement your neverending belief in us to do it and give our best, we never could have walked up that stage and blown the same way we did. Having you all around for sectionals and dazu really helps and all those little little things you bought to encourage us... it was really awfully sweet. haha. we love you sooo much. and hey, it's a family thing hahaha. we did it together! :D
thank you jasmine for being the bestest sectional leader around - and we reallyreally think you are. Even if you say you aren't a good dizist or you're blur... you really showed lots of support and encouragement as well!! =) hahaha. I love you little gifts too. And yaaaa. we know you love us. jasmineee. haha. our dearest sl.
thank you mrwong mrlam mrtek i think sometimes a little smile or word of encouragement can go a long way. Especially mrwong. Thanks for wearing that silver bowtie. It really made me smile. (: Thanks for believing in us and walking with us through the end of it. For being the santaclausie caricature among us. hahaha.
thank you suonists: si nette aaron jingxin mich for always being around. man I'm SO thankful it was you guys I went through all that with. (: I couldn't ask for a better bunch of secondfamily. hahaha. i think your individual presence(s) really made a BIG difference during practices. Thanks for accepting me. And boy am I gonna miss you all when we leave njCO. =)

haha. it is a neverending list isn't it. =X i'm just so happy i couldn't ask for more. honest. GOLD was such a happy news in itself. But then they announced that hc and us would be performing at the ceremony. And man, that made us feel really over the moon. I'm so thankful this is over, honestly. Really really thankful. haha. :)) can't stop smiling.

thanks to you all who really supported us. me. njCO.
trust me - you guys deserve a part of this too. we couldn't have done it without you all.

LOVE,
shaO.

2005-05-02T17:45:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow.

SYF Central Judging 2005 - Here we come.

it's been wonderful seeing all the seniors come down and support us especially for the last few practices. Whether we knew them or not, it was heartwarming to see so many people behind us. Kinda pressurising... haha, but i guess we're beyond all that freaking out because your senior's around thing. Yups, and we truly appreciate it. thanks so much.

lots of little presents being passed around today as well. mrwong opened his silverishgreyishmetallic bowtie. It looked love-ly. (: really something I'm looking forward to smile at tomorrow morning. And si's mini cheesecake so yummilicious we all wish there was more than 8. =) And all the little notes and letters and cards whoa.. so sweet. Or the photoframe with our family photo!! or even lijun and nette's chuan bei pi pa gao and mengtian's red chinese ornamental thing.

Indeed when we're done with SYF and Aurora and everything else, it will be the memories that we will keep heh.

shaO.

2005-04-30T16:34:00.000+08:00

almost there.

just please don't let my shaozi crack at the last minute else I will faint, cry and lock myself in my room. wahaha.

been spending a considerable amount of time with the suonists lately. Been kinda nice. Like family haha. especially when the seniors come back and support us! :D Like a big family hahaha.

have also been putting all the other schoolwork and responsibilities on hold recently. my work's in pretty bad state. think GP Geography Economics and Literature. shucks, that's almost everything heh. manymany things to catch up on after syf.

we can do it.

shaO.

2005-04-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

i think i am an escapist.

i am contented just sitting at the computer with my bum on the chair hoping I will finish revising geography tomorrow; hoping I will have time to pack my shoes and bag later on; hoping I will have enough sleep tonight.

yes, that will work out to me hoping things will be okay for syf. and shucks. that doesn't sound too good. heh.

been in a pretty bad mood lately. just wish we can get SYF over and done with. hmph. it's driving me crazy just waiting for the day itself to COME.

2005-04-26T21:56:00.000+08:00

i don't mean to sound negative.

i wonder if I have done something to step on your toes, because sometimes you just seem so cold and distant to me. I used to think it was just after a tired day, but now I don't think so. I think it's me. If I'm being irritating or just have a knack for pissing you off, someone better tell me, because I'm feeling so out of place sometimes, I wish I was somewhere else.

like I have a bad feeling about the Geography field trip to malaysia. I suddenly feel like finding the most illogical excuse to drop out of it so I don't have to go through what bad things I can imagine on my birthday or during my june break. I'm not referring to Ms Ting here so hah.

YAY. Guzheng Ensemble earned themselves a GOLD for SYF. congrats congrats congrats. (: now I wish we were as good as they were or better.

exactly 1 more week. hahaha. I'm not feeling much pressure yet. Perhaps when we do go down to SCH itself on Thursday, I'd start to feel the anxiety. I hope we can all curb the stagefright or last-minute jitters before the competition. and yes to follow up on what other ~~oboists~~ suonists have been saying, i think we have come a loooong way, it's so hard to believe we made it till today. I used to think it'd take much much more to sound the way we sound now, but whoa we are getting closer and closer to the mark - wherever it is. hah. :D I guess there is a whole lot of other ways to improve and we know we can never be like mrwong who makes the suona sound like some... some sugary-sweet instrument. but right now, i think we're just working toward giving our best and i hope that's how far we have and will reach.

all smiles,
shaO.

2005-04-25T15:53:00.000+08:00

her testimony was so simple yet so earnest and sincere at the wake. Her love for her father moved everyone sitting among them. Sitting a few rows behind them, I could occasionally see her small frame shaking as she wiped away the tears on her face. When we gave her the little present we bought, I could almost make out a little smile on her lips, and perhaps the sparkle in her eyes as she opened the gift. A part of me wished I had made the effort to be closer to her while we were in Gerizim, so at least we could give her the spiritual and emotional support through this time.

I saw so many people crying; it was depressing. I almost wanted to cry myself. But people cried for many different reasons. They cried because they lost a dear father, a dear husband, a dear elder, someone they had relied on for the many years in their lives. Others cried because they said he couldn't let go. Couldn't let go certain things in life everyone had hoped and prayed he would. I would have cried because I looked around and saw how so many many people actually loved him enough to come. He was definitely a good man, a good father, a good husband. He had been through alot in his life, and yet despite his personal struggles at work, he was willing to give his all to the brothers and sisters in church. All his time and effort, his devotion and love in encouraging them spiritually. I would have cried because she was so helpless and sad. Because what she really needs is perhaps someone to hold her close and tell her God loves her just like we all do. Someone to make her learn to smile again and move on.

Perhaps the one thing we all know is that God is waiting with open arms to welcome him into His home forever, and someday, they'll all be there together.
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant:...Enter thou into the joy of Thy Lord." - Matthew 25:21
it would be nice to hear Someone say that to you too. (:

love,
shaO.

2005-04-23T16:34:00.000+08:00

Friday 22 April 2005: He returned to the Lord Friday morning. I haven't heard about how the whole family is coping on the whole. whether it is relief, thankfulness or helplessness that most fills them. to be honest, I've never had to face death in the eye, because a close friend or relative was taken from me. i - honestly don't know how it feels like to lose a loved one. everyday is like a brand new chance to live anew. everyday is something to be thankful for. everyday with a close friend or a loved one is something to cherish. when i think about how temporal things are, i just feel kinda... well. sometimes it makes you want to cry a little. when you realise how fragile a life is. and how it should be cherished.

it so helps remembering and knowing that Jesus Christ conquered death in our place. (:

10 more days to the SYF Central Judging 2005 for Chinese Orchestra. I'm reallyreallyreally grateful to our senior for coming back so often (and promising to) because i think right now, we really need someone to guide us and keep us going haha. we appreciate it, man. totally. YOU ROCK shaopin. you just do. -BIG SWEET SMILE- we all love you. thanks for being there.

and i hope we all get this SYF thing over and done with without regrets, so we hurry get back to studying and preparing for our tests and schoolwork and revision and stuff. haha. it really doesn't help knowing you're mentally exhausted because of practices.

keep going!! =)

shaO.

2005-04-21T19:00:00.000+08:00

haha me thinks i'm going to evolve into a glutton.

first it was trying to take on all the pressure of school CO church and everything else.

then now i think my body's trying to cope physically and mentally by translating the anxiety into eating. darn. first it was just, eating slightly more. no skipping lunches and stuff. then now it's having meals, extra titbits and food, and eating full large portions. SHEESH. i'm going to become such a fattened calf wahaha.

i would describe my menu, but nah. (: just remember i'm eating so much i can hardly believe in.

the influence stress can have on you. bleAh.

2005-04-20T18:50:00.000+08:00

i know it's really superficial to be whining about mosquite bites, but i hate them!! >.<

especially when you feel it's the last thing you need on earth, and the next thing you know, 5 minutes in front of the computer and it leaves you with 7 or 8 lovely reddish popped-up kiss marks from lovely little mosquitoes buzzing around underneath the table. GAH.

today was a slack day. listened to about 5 hours worth of about 100 council-elect speeches. Some were refreshing, but most were rather boring. typical cliche speeches. almost seems like when they say "i know it's cliche to say i'll give you my best and..." but they all end up saying the same same thing. GAH. not that i'd have given speeches any better, but really. listening to a major bunch of people saying the same cliche thing hoping to make the cliche less cliche by pointing out they know it's a cliche is not a great idea. the second thing i really detested hearing was when people went up there promoting themselves. GAH. if you know it wouldn't work telling us how good you are without showing us actions beforehand, why do you still try to spend 1.5 promoting yourself and trying to convince us with your speeches that you are passionate, responsible, bubbly, inspirational and wtheck. this girl went up there and for like consecutive 5 sentences or so, she emphasised on "me" "I" "myself". hahahaha. sorry, but we can tell you were really too caughtup with yourself. darn.

anyhows, to give the rest of them who's running for council with a pure motive and passion to serve, all the best. I have my favourite candidates and yups. (: i've already the 12 choices ready to be made. =D

heh. i'm quite qianbian again today, ain't I. DON'T say it. i'm not in a very receptive mood at the moment. listening to 5 hours worth of speeches which were rather nonsensical - does drive you crazy.

lastly, please DONT go up there and give an impromptu speech. I'm not for such things.

shaO.

2005-04-19T18:47:00.000+08:00

Pinching your nose the entire day or sniffing continuously is not the kind of thing you'd want to go through, trust me. If i had known my flu was for real and would last throughout the day, I would have debated not to go to school at all. anyways, i only started sneezing at Eng Neo. I'm still fluish now, and as I type, the suonists would be blowing away in sectionals.

with all the decisions i had to make today, I decided against taking NAPFA (not because I wouldn't survive without mavis or something.) today during PE because I felt really weak. For periods of time in the day I could do without sniffing and i guess those were the times I could do napfa - do inclined pullups, shuttle run, SBJ... since they aren't as rigorous as running 2.4km itself. which i have yesterday heh. But I was feeling pretty lethargic and weak. yeah. Like I wouldn't be able to do my best even if miraculously i could pass. so. next week NAPFA it is.

I really didn't plan on not going to CO. With all the practices left, I really think it's the worst time to fall sick and miss practices now onwards. But I really didn't wish to blow my suona in my present state, because all the germish stuff would go in it and I wasn't feeling great anyway. mrwong requested for sectionals with the suonists today and I missed it. darn. : ( but i really hope this will drive me to practice harder, and maybe the rest of them could tell me the major stuff i may have missed out on. the moment i reached home i sneezed and slept for 2 hours. still fluish though. argh.

i thank God for my mama's TLC. hahaha. (: she fried a nice egg and prepared ba ku teh soup and warm rice and brewed coffee for me. yeah, i know it doesn't all go, but it was yummy. i have weird cravings recently. so i'm becoming a weird glutton.

shaO.

2005-04-18T19:41:00.000+08:00

for the past few days I have had a lot of think about.

on sunday after church, my family and I visited an old friend who was in the last stage of cancer.
while i saw the angst and pain of a dying man and felt heartbreak seeing how his family was coping in life, I also witnessed the courage and hope that was predominant in the lives of each family member, my old friends.

His wife was a woman with polio and who was naturally weak physically. But I felt peace seeing her smile and her eyes sparkling with hope even as she tended to her dying husband by his bedside. She welcomed the guests, and spoke of how she has to keep trying to overcome the pain and build up endurance in life. His son in secondary 3 was a good friend of my brothers. He has become so much more mature and independent, trying to play the role of the son and the father as the man of the house. He has tried to fix the internet connection in his house with 3 different used modems, but still to no avail. His daughter is in Primary3 but she was the one that changed the most. What I remembered of her was a girl who was pampered throughout her childhood. But she took charge of unlocking the door and welcoming the guests and answering phonecalls and serving the guests soup the maid had prepared.

Despite the atmosphere of sorrow that surrounded the family, what you could see was that these people held their Faith in Christ a lot deeper than us who's faced nothing like them. It is hard and scary to have to wake up every morning to a whole new day of hope and despair and pressure. Yet these people have struggled and been through day after day with God's Grace. They can testify this for you, I'm sure, when it is all over. He lay in his bed sunken and thin and almost reminded me of Kurtz in Heart of Darkness. You can really see how death has eaten into a person. Imagine the pain and suffering that you have to live with knowing you will leave the world anytime, leaving behind your family who has relied on you for support all these years. Yet, this man was smiling when we stood by his bedside. He asked for his spectacles and tried to recall our names one by one.

They all had a fighting spirit. and so should we.

The Literature text Whitby was going through with us today during tutorial also touched on the issue of life and death. Extremely rich, extremely meaningful. When you leave this world - which could be anytime - are you ready to face what is to come? I'm thankful for him, that as he lay on his bed waiting - he knows where he is going. He knows he is going to a better place where there will be no sadness no pain no suffering no diseases. Everything will be restored. (: When you know where you are going to, it won't be the dark unknown that everyone fears. It's going to be Heaven.*

struggles have been inevitable, and it isn't about schoolwork or co. Many a times another aspect of me feeling so drained could very possibly be the spiritual burden that we always try to juggle. I know and I trust God is there for me, and so are my Christian friends with prayers and stuff. I know we can find rest in Him our Shepherd. But sometimes head knowledge is so so different from living it out in our lives. Do we actually remember WWJD all the time in the things we do? (echoes: no.) Do we actually remember that we can find rest and solace from God in times of crisis? (echoes: no, not always.) Do we actually remember how important it is to live right in His eyes - to prioritise and have QuietTime, prepare BibleStudy in advance to avoid lastminute halfhearted preparations...? (echoes: no.) Yeah, so i know I suck pretty bad when it comes to remembering to live each step along the way with Christ.

Group leader's meeting on Sunday really made me cry. Maybe not on the outside, but just sharing so openly our struggles both emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually most of all, just make me want to break down and go on my knees, and let it all out. perhaps it is out of relief or the fact that you've acknowledged and voiced out your struggles and problems. but you feel like crying. not because you're weak, but rather because you know there's a whole lot of people out there who prays for Christians like us who struggle to serve Him in our daily lives and you are not alone and don't have to be helpless. i'm so glad and thankful you understand, and I'm so grateful to you all and God who most of all, would know my struggles. thank you weiling for your encouraging msg. I know you're always trying to reach out and give people a porthole to open up to you. I can't wait till 6May when we will talktalktalk all night in Malaysia because I want to know so much more about you and your walk with God. (: jiayou everyone. now that I know I'm not alone, I'm going to do this for Christ - joyfully and willingly. and they know how you guys sometimes get so busy you feel like breaking down too Yu'an - smile - so rest assured we're all praying for each other. :) Thanks Yu'an and Eunice so much for supporting me all the way. Sometimes I feel so weak as a group leader or chairperson of YPF, but I guess it's a matter of learning. Which I promise i will by the end of the year.

Love,
shaO.

2005-04-16T14:48:00.000+08:00

Whatever You ask

Lord I see the things You ask of me
- Faithfulness, Holiness and Purity.
I love Your Truth,
I long to show it to the world for You.
But Lord, I need Your help to understand
The other person that I sometimes am.
I never want to live a day,
That I can't say to You:

"Lord, whatever You ask, I want to obey You
- A servant's heart.
Lord, whatever You ask,
I know that You can give me wisdom
And the strength to equal the task
Lord, whatever You ask."

I face so much that steals away
The will to make the time to serve or pray
And there are days I don't take up Your cross
And follow You.
But I have learnt that I can talk to You
You know everything I'm going through
If I'll just ask, I'll find that You're right there
Providing me, with the strength I need -

Lord, whatever You ask, I want to obey You
- A servant's heart.
Lord, whatever You ask,
I know that You can give me wisdom
And the strength to equal the task
Lord, whatever You ask.

one of my favourite PL choir songs. (:
been a little grumpy lately. I need to quit being an idiot.

shaO.

2005-04-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

only about 6 more official practices to go.

MAKE THE BEST OUT OF EACH PRACTICE shao

2005-04-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

keep going keep going keep going keep going keep going keep going. that's for the 6 of us suonists. (:

yay, thank you senior shaopin for your delicious TLC and PrimaDeli Fruit tarts. They were absolutely yummy, especially to a hungry stomach! :D

and yay. Project work results were finally released today and after a moment of restlessness and such, another teacher (not mrs nair) revealed our results to the class. i got a 1, thankGod and i'm glad 5 other people who put in loads of effort got a 1 too. ((: I mean, if these people didn't do well, I'd feel absolute injustice for them as well. not that i'm proud and insensitive or whatever (okay, maybe i am insensitive to an extent) but I'm just really happy and joyful.

It isn't just the joy you get when you do well for an examination or something. It's the joy you get when you put in so much so much effort for such a long period of time, been through so much and gave it your all... and whatever comes back meeting your expectations and leaving a smile on your face. It's that sense of accomplishment, knowing your efforts have paid off. hah, i know some of my classmates who didn't do well even though they were the ones who put in the most amount of effort. i know of some friends who did well even though they were the slackiest ones in the group. all unfairness. I thank God my group's cool. =D everyone's happy, satisfied and contented. yay.

i dont know. it's almost like living for CO from day to day. Urgh. Sometimes I just want to express frustration over things, but since this isn't a private blog no longer, I don't suppose I can so openly type it in here and expect people to not respond or react, right?

This is irritating. And my entries are getting disgustingly frivolous.
Pardon me.

shaO.

2005-04-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary,

I used to think even if CO got tiring, we would still be able to cope with it above our schoolwork, since we enjoyed practices so much. I must admit now that even though I'm not sick of practices, I'm starting to feel a whole lot of exhaustion; like energy draining from my body, mostly mentally. But we must hang on and jia you. SYF is just around the corner, and we cannot afford to be less vigilant or put down our guard even a little, because that'd mean slacking before the competition.

There were nice things that happened in the midst of all the weariness and usual things that happen in school. Like on Tuesday after CO, the 156 bus was really crowded and full of people. And when I was squeezing down the bus at my stop, (and I don't like crowded buses. Or mrt trains, for that matter heh.) this nyjc girl actually smiled and stepped aside for me to walk through. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but compare it to the times when I tried to squeeze down the bus, but because some male students just was so caught up in their own conversation, they just ignored my squeezing and I almost missed my stop because I couldn't get to the door in time. It really makes you happy to know that some people do look out for you even though you're nothing but a fellow stranger to them. When I said, "thanks", she smiled and said, "No problem." I think only a really nice person would say that. She didn't look bimbotic or bitchy or anything. She looked really sweet. =) Cheered me up some. Haha.

Today I cut my hair. Xinyi went with me, and later Mavis met us at Far East Plaza, at a shop called Rave. It's something like an NJC-hairdresser. Wahaha, because so many many people from our school (our class, actually) just goes there to cut hair. Recommended by word-of-mouth, and yes, I think they're good. Not that my hair's pretty now, but if they could transform MingKiat from a little boy to a guy - man, they have skill. :p haha. yups, so yes, if you are looking for a hairdresser, we ARE recommending that shop to you guys out there. It's on the 4th level. And has student discounts! (:

Oh, the haircut wasn't the only thing that made me happy. About three or four times xy and I walked past this tiny stall with continuous queues selling little buns that really smelt SO good I almost salivated. Hahaha. I bought one eventually and so did xinyi and it was so yummy none of us felt guilty eating it because it was absolutely worth it. I shall buy it again when I next visit Far East. =) Anyways, if anyone is interested in trying yummy buns, you guys can visit the small little bun shop next to the ice cream shop in the corner next to This Fashion. (my sense of direction, is quite pathetic, unfortunately. Haha.) It's called "HERO" I think. Or at least the bun I was eating was called "HERO". But it was absolutely delicious! Haha. Satisfaction level rated at a high of 5/5! =D

And for the first time in a year, I actually 'answered' Miss Ting's Geography question. Ridiculous a response it was in it's own right (which I realized after the lesson), I appreciate the fact that Ting didn't criticize my answer immediately. Actually, she refrained from criticizing my answer at all, because I think she was satisfied with me just simply opening my mouth during her tutorial. Haha. yay. Hope I can do that in the lectures and stuff in the future. =) It's some sort of paranoia or fear you got to overcome.

Anyway, we are having the Geography trip and we'll be doing quite a lot of things, if they get down to planning it out in black and white. Would be quite fascinating, if the company is a fun bunch. IF. Hope they are. (: Some of the places the itinery mentioned were stuff like looking for rare granites at the beach; picnic by waterfalls, studying the cave systems or something... yeah, a whole lot of activities. On my birthday. Heh. Must be optimistic and look forward to it! Haha.

Yes, and until I have something more of worth to say, you shouldn't read my blog entries. (Because it would be a waste of time.)

shaO.

2005-04-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

dear friends,

each time I recall my weirdest dream (it's the second half of the entry) or what uncletim said before, I feel this burden to tell all my friends about my Faith in Christianity.

i really do love you all. well, maybe in varying degrees and extent of the word in itself, but I do care for you guys. I know some of you out there or in fact, most of you, may feel that we're all trying to brainwash you into Christianity. to accept it's values and principles, to live a life striving to be unblemished and perfect in God. You learnt about such things in George Herbert Literature, you know what I'm talking about and how you personally feel about Christianity.

But I swear if i could it's not about brainwashing you or enticing you to believe in my God. So many times I've been reminded of the pain and loss and regret that I'd feel if I had passed up on any chance to share with you all about my Faith and where my true joy should root from. If the next moment I should find myself unable to see one of you again, I would cry. I would regret forever for not grasping that opportunity when you were still by my side as a friend, to tell you about my God and He who loves us.

If I had a choice, I would choose to go through more examinations, block tests, physical pain and distressing circumstances filled with problems, if you'd be willing to find out about Christianity or accept Salvation from God. It would all be worth it, if only you'd listen.

I'm almost down to the point of hating myself for being such a coward each time I think about what would happen in the future. When we all leave NJC for our various Universities, local or overseas; when we move on in life to greater heights... when I look back and realised I never tried hard to enough to share with her my joy; or never put in enough effort to tell him what Love truly meant to me. That's when I'll cringe and squat down and weep for being such a failure in sharing the Gospel to my closest, dear friends.

There's so much God can offer you if only you'd accept His hand. He can offer you a life of hope, a life of joy, a life with a purpose and assurance that things are o k a y. And when I think about it sometimes, I wish you knew that sort of assurance I have.

I suppose right now you either are willing and interested to learn about the Faith and source of Hope we Christians have in life; or you remain unwilling and uninterested. Whatever the case, I hope you realise it's out of concern I hope to share with you my beliefs. It is out of love.

The very least thing you could allow me to do for you, is pray.

shaO.

2005-04-11T18:50:00.000+08:00

i don't mean to come across paranoid or something. but there's been strange things happening to me lately.

like this acquiantance coming online to say he likes me. hahahaha. i'm assuming there's this misunderstanding of identity here, because I've not spoken to him in months. anyways, he logged off before I could seek further clarification. perhaps out of embarrassment. (:

then there's this Friendster message from someone with the subject heading, "Now, go and meet your Maker =)" and this is freaky. I'm not kidding.

and there's all the topsyturvy weird stuff that we've been sneaking around with I don't feel good at all about.

and yes. these has perhaps added to the inner upheavals within myself. sorry I cannot elaborate more.

shaO.

2005-04-11T13:04:00.000+08:00

yes i'm going for that geography field trip to malaysia that costs $195 to live in a 4-star hotel by the beach from 28 - 31 may 2005 over the weekend, according to quekqing.

been kinda apprehensive about the idea of spending a few days with the class which I'm most uncomfortable in, with teachers I can least relate to, such as Barber and Ting. Besides, although I know birthdays aren't that big a deal unless it's your 1st or 21st birthday (quoted from my mom), I really don't wish to be spending my birthday in jitter and fear and paranoia. hahaha.

nevertheless, I've decided to try trading this for a more optimistic view about the trip. Such as, I'll probably get to know Ting and Barber even more, from the inside out. I may get to see certain sides of them they'll never expose in NJC!! hahaha. it's quite fascinating to ponder about how much Ting will end up scolding us out there in malaysia. :p and, it's an opportunity to get to know my geography-mates better too... heh. not that it's a brilliant experience worth anticipating for. hahaha. (:

and to anonymous taggers: thank you for speaking your mind. i hope you guys - anyone in particular, really - will just stop after they speak their mind. I appreciate the stuff you've said, I may go home and do some reflection, I may sit back and grouch about it. heh.

i thank you rain for dropping by. (: yes, I appreciate your comment and i suppose it has urged me to think and be a little more aware of the message I may be sending out indirectly to people out there. I guess it's about where you individually stand on this issue of skipping school. For myself, I personally think as long as you have properly justified your reasons for not attending school, and you make sure it doesn't become a habit, it is something reasonable. Whatever your stand is, respect mine like I respect yours. If you want to talk more, you can always drop me a line.

and yes, I did spend some quality time on constructive work the whole morning.

shaO.

2005-04-10T17:26:00.000+08:00

i'd be blogging about how and why i'm exhausted these days, but really, i think that's really not necessary at all. (=

i'm probably not going to school tomorrow. After weighing the pros and cons, my rationale for doing so lies in:

1. not having a good break after commons.
- honestly, i promised myself i'll hold on instead of giving myself a break immediately after commons. i'll hold on until I can take it no longer or feel it's a worthy time to take a break from school. i suppose it's now.

2. myself nearing exhaustion.
- i'd rather give myself a break now and relax. recuperate. and spend some time doing meaningful stuff, like consolidating my notes or working on certain topics, for example. i wouldn't like to conk out seriously when it's nearer to syf or in the middle of the important term.

3. not having CO or much responsibilities on monday.
- i can't afford to miss CO practices unless i'm hospitalised or something; and neither can i afford to miss school on say, thursday with all the important tutorials for example. monday is a good free day, in comparison to other days.

4. other bonuses.
- such as missing one of ting's lessons; having more time to work on the homework and essays due tuesday; missing pe (which may not necessarily be a good thing. but pe will definitely make me even more drained.); longer sleep tomorrow morning.

of course, i may lose out in many other ways. such as. missing ting's lesson (she's either going to drag and divert to discuss nonrelevant stuff, or she'll be going through commons geog essay questions and structure.) or missing pe (ie. preparation for napfa.) or missing econs. (which i dont really absorb much in class anyway.)

i prefer to see it more as weighing your pros and cons and being responsible enough to make decisions, not based on whether you feel like going to school or not, but based on an evaluation of possible consequences. hah. am i being qianbian?

jiayou.

2005-04-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

"He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul."

"God leads us. God will do the right thing
at the right time."

i guess whether or not we are Christians, we might still be able to relate to this extract i recently read about. (:

What we need to realise in this analogy of life about the shepherd and the sheep of the flock, is that it draws immensely close parallels to that in our lives. God is not standing behind us forcing us to move on and trudge ahead. He is ahead of us bidding, "Come!". He is clearing the way for us, directing our every step, and giving us gentle instructions on how to live a life safe from danger and in Him.

With God leading us, we can leave tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. In the world we live in, there are SO many troubles and worries you really can't afford to settle them one by one as they come. God plans for the right thing to happen at the right time. So I guess if you do think God is trustworthy enough for you to believe He's got your future in His hands like mine are, then let go, and let Him do the rest. (:

"Lead, kindly Light.
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scenes; One step enough for me." i think when we try to look ahead to predict what will happen in the future, we won't be able to tell. We don't get to see the distant scenes, but we know that as we live each day by God's guidance, "One step is enough for me."

"We need to hear that God is still in control. We need to hear that it's not over until he says so. We need to hear that life's mishaps and tragedies are not a reason to bail out. They are simply a reason to sit tight. It ain't over till it's over."

- Safe in the Shepherd's Arms: hope and encouragement from Psalm 23 by Max Lucado.

when i read it, it reminded me so much of school and commons and syf i really felt like giving God a big fat hug. hahaha. I know we may feel it's awfully strange to be helpless meek people who needs a god to save us - but fact is, if it wasnt' for God who guides us, you could be equivalent to wandering people out there... without a purpose in life. without a reason to live for. or perhaps, with a disillusionment.

it reminded me of how much i needed a source of comfort to know that things are going to turn out okay even if they completely dont seem okay now. haha. =X perhaps just like it did provide me a source of comfort or hope in some sense, you might be able to feel encouraged reading it. =)

plans this weekend have this hazardous. first it was the crazy idea of meeting in school at 7am in the morning to play badminton. lol. it was rather refreshing... to be sporting around before sectionals. kinda made it feel like warmups. (: haha. anyhows, da zu on friday night and sectionals at saturday morning... is not a fabulous thing hahaha. well, after practice we went to a mall near siqi's place (since we were early. haha.) to celebrate her 21st birthday party. (: hahaha. that's so cool. inviting the suonists and her buddies to her birthday bash!! haha. whoosh*. anyhows, siqi rocks. and so does shaopin!! (and weiming, of course. hahaha.) and then i had to rush off to grandmama's birthday dinner at 630pm. which yes, if you noticed, means a whole few hours of food food food. >.< now i'm stuffed like a fat turkey. =p

haha. i kinda forgot what else i wanted to blog about. maybe i'm too tired. my RJC cousin and I slept at the dinner table at the restaurant hahaha. =X it's just so much of exhaustion.

anyhows, i took a quiz at colourquiz tonight for my angel's shengde's blog. I'm sure i've taken the quiz before..

Your Existing Situation
Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes (sounds pretty true. hah.)

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises. (second half sounds very much like the old me i was trying to shed.)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. (hahaha. this sounds reallyreally weird. i'm not desperate, don't get the wrong idea!)

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.

Your Actual Problem
Does not wish to be involved in differences of opinion, contention or argument, preferring to be left in peace. i always thought i enjoyed conversations with more than 2 viewpoints in it worth debating about. hmpf.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation. yes. this absolutely sounds like the post-commons me. ((:

i'm yawning. (:

shaO.

2005-04-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

tears of joy.

just a few hours ago i received a message from weixiu saying that PL choir got GOLD for syf 2005. THAT IS JUST SUPER MIRACULOUS. to be just absolutely honest, in all the hustle and bustle of preparing for NJCO's own SYF, i forgot the fact that PL would be competing in the syf competition around this period!! >.<>

i didn't do well for literature paper8. in fact, i did pretty bad. haha. I knew the possibility of myself submitting an answer that was out of point was rather high, and i'm not surprised my script came back with red crosses and exclamation marks at the left and right columns. =X anyhows, it pinched quite hard when you see the red marks at the bottom of the last page that says, "17/50". hahaha. i will work harder to do better, i say. (: It's just a beginning and we're all still learning. Besides, whitby promised to help us if we take the first step and ask. I suppose wh and xl and i are planning to get started on asking him soon.

i wanted to share something else from this devotional book i have been reading by Max Lucado, one of my favourite Christian writers. Not in the theological, deep sense; but rather in the simple and beautiful sense. (: maybe i could share it next time. some insights.

shaO.

2005-04-07T16:57:00.000+08:00

today our beloved sectional leader made us run 6 rounds early in the morning. i think we were kinda like idiots. haha. but being idiots doesn't take the fun out of anything. :p i love my sectionmates. ahahaha. i think. (:

and - i don't like crowded buses. hmpff.

shaO.

2005-04-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

haven't really been in the mood for blogging these few days. There are things I'd love to tell people about, but nothing really too overwhelming I have to put them down in words. I guess it's perhaps habitual to type especially since I'm free tonight. (:

ah. i just typed an exert from this letter someone wrote into somewhere and whoa - response after response after response. hahaha. yes, i know what a crush is okay. but to "crush" or "fall in love" with someone you've never met in person is really not a wonderful sane thought to entertain. To me that is. And to think about committing suicide because of that someone is really out of the question. I think anyone who has raging emotions like that ought to get a grip of himself or herself. In fact, I think romance or having a relationship is not the most important things in life. Maybe I just dont have a life haha, but I prefer to think and argue that I've better things to focus on. (:
and yes reddy. I've crushed people before, and maybe I still do in my own little way here and there hahaha. but I'm beginning to know where to draw the line and stuff, beginning to realise that we can live without having a guy/girl love us back heh. maybe i'm just a feminist, but i cant help it!! hahaha. PL cultivates strong, independent ladies; and NJ don't exactly offer much.*

anyways. there was a video screening on euthanasia today. To be honest, there were one or two moments during the screening when I felt like I could really cry because I just sympathised with the person so much. I think it's so awful a thought to even think about dying. But life must be so bad and hard and painful and hopeless for those people to choose to die than go through the process of death. Think about the uncertainty death entails for everyone, unless of course, you've perfect assurance you know where you're headed after death. I think it's also a matter of preserving your dignity as they said, at that point of death. Instead of waiting for your organs to fail you, or die by gasping of breath or heart failure... i think they'd much rather determine when and how they get to die - in peace, in the way they are, before their bodies deterriorate even more. i dont know, i just think it's awful. awful and sad. there was this daughter in the documentary who was on the verge of tears during the interview when she spoke about how she'd do anything to make sure her mother dies in peace. I think in some way, these people who choose euthanasia must be awfully brave to face the last ultimate thing in life - death. Yet, it's ironic. Because the only reason why they'd choose to die, is because they don't want to face death when they're not prepared for it, or because they don't want to endure the process of dying itself. it's so dark and controversial i just don't like to talk about it.

and we had sectionals again today. blahlala. i enjoy practices and i think it'd help to an extent, but i hope my lip muscles don't break down by the time syf draws nearer.

and yay. Indian Dance got a GOLD WITH HONOURS (top) in Singapore's SYF competition. woohoo!! =D so glad for usha. and because ms ting's glad too, WOOHOO!!

hahaha. shaO.

2005-04-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

"I have a problem... I have a crush on a guy working in a fast food joint. I have found out his name. I have fallen deeply in love with him. I dare not speak to him. He is quiet, charming, dashing, and when he smiles I see his dimples. Every afternoon after school, I go to this restaurant and buy food from him... I don't know what to do! I am tortured. Without seeing him, I feel like dying. A few times I felt like killing myself. I can't take it."

I don't think most people would believe in such things, but just in case you're part of the minority who thinks it's normal having a crush on someone on a stranger to this extent, I do not believe in having such fantasies. READ: this it's stupid. Granted, they make you happy, they give you something to think about... but going gaa-gaa over a guy you've never met in person is absolutely crazy. Not crazy in the positive sense, just literally illusively crazy. my take: i don't believe you can actually fall in love with someone by just buying food from his queue every day. if that is how one defines "love", i think it degrades the use of the word to such an extent, "love" doesn't mean anything anymore.

i'm tired. it is just an article i read from a magazine today, and found it ridiculous. please don't take offense. if i sympathise with her, it would be because she doesnt seem to have any anchor-point whatsoever in life apart from mooning over a guy. i so strongly think there's so much more to life than dreaming about a man. hahaha. makes us girls sound so... utterly helpless.

shaO.

2005-04-03T18:10:00.000+08:00

many thanks to those people who helped out a great deal with the Fellowship preparations. All in all, I consider it a job well done, even if it wasn't that orderly or efficient. (: Thank God we didnt stumble, and everyone was super cooperative today, which was great. haha. Thanks weiwu and marcus for their ypf teeshirts and camp booklets and rays magazines... thanks weiling, charmaine, meiyun, eleen, wenling, eunice who helped with the orange and rose syrup drinks, the crushing of the ice, the setting up of the booth, the tablecloth, the tokens, photoalbums... thanks shirleen for overseeing the entire thing behind me haha, keeping yourself more on your toes than me on mine... thanks weizhong a great deal and his busking team who took the initiative to make the singing experience a more pleasant and outreaching one... thanks everyone who patronised the booth and expressed support and interest in our fellowship activities... thanks jiajun for helping here and there and late at night as well... thanks yu'an for playing the piano and supporting in subtle ways... haha. wow. so MANY people to thank.

shaO.

2005-04-02T23:40:00.000+08:00

leaning over from exhaustion haha.

i find that my class is becoming much more united through this adversity in which we stand strong. thanks to supportive teachers like whitby and classmates like everyone. :D changes in subject combinations has also somewhat caused a variety of cliques to open up and friendships to be more.. diversed. spreaded out. equal. (:

typed more, but i figured it wasnt making much sense. just wanted to say i'm really busy and tired with co and school and church stuff. i hope we all make it with a positive attitude. it seems almost impossible to start work seriously since everything is starting to pile up and go faster. including ccas. haha. i just hope things tomorrow will turn out fine, because i cannot afford to screw up big. (:

thank you for the great lunch today suonists (and weiming.) hahaha. (he's shaopin's boyfriend) yups. i know the place wasnt the best place for socialising with friends - amidst the noise, the dirty road, the mudprints on the floor and stuff haha.. but really, let's not be too picky about the place and be more tolerant about the environment, and enjoy the food. (: the curry was really spicy, but it had nice spices. haha. i think. the milodinosaur was great too. Not a great healthy alternative, just something little kids' would love cos it's really some big mug of sweet chocoholic drink. lol. yummms.

shaO.

2005-03-31T19:01:00.000+08:00

WE ARE GOING TO KEEP GOING.

create a miracle out of our class. who cares if the school or teachers thinks we suck and come begging us to drop subjects lest we pull down the school's statistics and tarnish their reputation. Arts don't necessarily suck in Maths nor in Economics. So you just leave us alone and let us enjoy what we're studying cos we do and that's what studying's all about. it'd be ironically humourous to think that one of the top jcs in singapore are only top because they go around forbidding students who are weak in the subject to sit for it in the A level examination.

i love whitby, because he was one of the most caring supportive teachers ever. he told her not to cry, he told her it's okay, he told us he'll definitely help the weaker ones with prac crit analysis if we want, no questions about it, and he told us that we should go on studying 4 subjects even if we're on the last 24% list. simply because that's what LEARNING is all about. loving what you study, enjoying your lessons... learning is an experience. you don't label a student as a "learner" only when he/she does well. otherwise you've such a rigid mentality you ought to go change your brain. heh.

YUP.
so we AO1-ers are going to make it man. we're going to keep going, to keep trying, to hold hands and trudge this uphill climb together.

JIAYOU.
shaO.

2005-03-31T18:39:00.000+08:00

30 March 2005

I've never seen 04A01 so distressed and unsettled before in the entire one year or so we have been together. The bad news came one after another. First it was the statistics that two-thirds of our class fell within the last 24% of the school cohort in our promotional examinations last year. I know it isn't a fair comparison or judge especially between the Arts and Sciences, but there is other evidence that goes to suggest 04A01 is well, as academically-pathetic as we sound. Following that was the release of a few of our common test results such as Human Geography and Literature Paper 3 and Mathematics. I must say I was rather disappointed with Human Geography, considering the fact that I am below the average percentile in our small geography cohort. However, I should also remind myself that I spent about 2 hours reading the few stacks of notes Barber gave us. heh. So I guess if anything, it was my fault really, for not allocating enough time on Human Geography. I was hoping to do better for Literature, since it was the paper I was most confident of. But I suppose I really ought to learn how to structure my answer before I jump straight into writing it. Which was a deadly mistake I made on all three Literature papers.
I know Economics was so hard this time round, many of us are expecting Fs. (I'm not, personally. I hope for an O. haha.) I guess that was why the majority of us were banking on Mathematics. I guess that explains why half the class was in such a passive and distressed mood today. I thank God I did well with a B, so now I'm hoping I can find the courage and determination to work on my weaker topics and hopefully pull it up ultimately to an A for the A Levels. If I have nothing else to work on, Maths is something I hope to rely on. heh. But so many others ended up so dismayed and disappointed with what their mathematic tutors told them, I think many of them felt like crying. They were so quiet, they kept to themselves the entire day, and I felt so unsettled and helpless in trying to cheer them up. : (
It's the time of the year when the teachers are almost begging us to drop their subject because we’re doing so badly in it. So many of us are contemplating which subjects to drop, or if they should risk juggling 4 subjects still. It's really terrible we have to make a decision so soon.

I think it's more than that though. More than just knowing we did badly. I have a feeling it's the whole sense of revelation of doom for our class A01. We always knew we were bad but we didn't know we were that bad. What XL and I talked about the other day after Geography is really true – that the rest of the school is doing much better than we are, and it's almost equivalent to us living within our little comfortable shell thinking it's normal scoring Es.
I think we were too gullible or simple-minded. Or maybe it's a fault for not being competitive enough. (Although from a larger point of view we do lose out, I think most of us still think being too-amiable-for-competition is a good thing in itself.) Our bubble has burst now, we're left with pieces of hope to catch falling from the sky. I do wish to think a miracle could happen at the end of the year, and we could be another "miracle-bunch" just like we did in PL. Miracles and unexpected things do happen in the world, and we should never say die. Just like the energizer battery. heh.

I realized for the A Levels, it's more than just concepts you're tested on. It's pretty late to figure this out now, haha, but it's better than nothing. (: It's expected of you to know the concepts and content of the subject you're studying. That's just the first step toward studying. We also need to draw connections, link ideas, see big pictures, plan a well-structured essay, compare and contrast ideas, identify and elaborate on connecting themes... and such. Sounds easy enough, but in reality, the more facts you have to cope with, the harder connecting the big picture gets. It's a lot of effort you got to put in, and dear me it's something we got to do consistently.

I was tempted to consider dropping Geography last night. SO tempted. heh. Couldn't say how much closer I got to going up to Ms Ting and asking her if it was a wise decision. I guess I didn't eventually. After speaking to more friends and getting more opinions, many encouraged me to go on. I don't need to drop, and I should be able to cope. While the question of how well I will be able to cope with my studies is left unanswered, I suppose God will determine that with the amount of work I choose to put in. I may not believe in myself, but I do believe in God. (: Thanks for all of you who supported me or advised me on what steps I should take.
It wasn't just opinions from friends I sought solely. I prayed, and I read certain things. One of the articles in Links, a publication from my church with all the consolidated testimonies and sharing from friends, encouraged me. It was just a simple story written by one of the Primary6 boys in my church whom I’m not close to. But his testimony about how he managed to cope with his PSLE made me realize if it’s part of God's plan, you just go ahead to work hard and pray hard, and He'll take care of the outcome. (: I'm not saying as Christians we're guaranteed good grades or entrance to a University or a good life in the future. I'm saying even if we do badly or well, He's still our source of comfort and strength. Comfort and solace in hard times; and strength to go on.

Now, I got to persuade myself that I can do it with Christ. With all the external factors that could eat into my studying mentality and route to perseverance, I got to learn how to juggle them with moderation, and a sense of balance. That's life, and at this level, I got to learn to deal with it. I got to convince myself my efforts are worth it. And jiayou together A01! I'm so thankful in all my life I've got great classes with great people to hang out with. You guys rock. Not in the fun, fantastical way like nyjc04A2 was; but in the subtle sense that when you look back in the distant years to come, you'll probably smile and think A01 was one of the sweetest experiences you could ever have. (:

Let's hold on together,
shaO.

2005-03-28T01:21:00.000+08:00

i was inclined to respond to something i read recently. it is about christianity and the gospel. to refrain from people feeling unhappy reading it, i've decided to blog it in my other blogsite. one which you guys don't know about. if you're interested in reading it, let me know and i'll send you the link. but i think putting it up here will make everyone go crazy and whatever. haha.

it's nothing to criticise other people out there, so haha, dont take offense. (:

and yes, i'm prolly going to fail Literaturepaper1 tomorrow.

shaO.

2005-03-27T21:54:00.000+08:00

to:

i'm sorry. i think i spoke too fast, perhaps just like you and many others do, and i kind of regret saying those things all at one go. i don't think what you want to hear is an apology. in fact, i dont think you want to hear much from me now. heh.

i read through what i said that night, and those were what I truly felt like saying, no doubt. But not out of spite, or becuase i'd nothing else to say. I guess you'd probably have guessed this, but it is out of concern that I blew up. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt, but you never seem to really understanding what i'm trying to say.

Yes, maybe I do not know you well. I do not know how you think, how you feel, what you really think and feel, and why you think and feel that way. I shouldn't have intruded into your personal space and expected to be welcomed. I just wish that maybe you'll soften yourself up a bit to things around you instead of thinking things suck to you and because of different opinions you have, you suck to them. It was wrong of me to judge you based on the impression you always give me, without clarifying the justifications you have behind saying those things.

As a friend, I wish you would bother to hear me out. and I wish perhaps I could find the restraint to respect you for your opinions about life and how you want to lead your own.

and yes, by the time I'm here, i'm pretty frustrated with how i'm going to have to put all the things i'm thinking of in words so I can rationalise them. I know and agree much of the world has a warped view about life, but I believe we can take an opposing view on it without sounding so pessimistic.

shao.

2005-03-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

Today's Good Friday - the day which we commemorate the death of our Saviour Jesus Christ.

today as i sat in the sanctuary, i suddenly really understood what The Cross meant for us all. No wonder they say (true) love is unconditional and transcends beyond all boundaries. No wonder they say "love gives itself, it is not bought". Just read my quotes. It encompasses how great God's love is for us when you think about it.

No, listen. I do not mind being a fanatic in the eyes of other people for Christ.

No god would go through the pain and suffering and death Christ did, except God. It was hard for me to imagine my God physically dying on the cross - for us. It was almost painful, in a subtle way. If He was so great a God, he need not go through the pain and suffering. But because we were so helpless as we are now in sin, He chose to go through all that.

Even before we had a relationship with Him, or were born into the world, or seeked forgiveness from Him, He chose to die for mankind. For you and me. And the very ugly nature of man renders us undeserving. Undeserving of this powerful act of love and redemption from our God.

Tell me what would your response be if someone so much greater than you, gave up his life for you as a sacrifice even before you knew who he was, or that you were going to die. And all this out of love. Tell me if this was true, you wouldn't be moved a single bit.

No, i was definitely moved tonight. Reminded of the powerful Grace I so unworthingly received. And how much I'm indebted to Him, because it's just so hard to give Him my best and all.

I do believe, I have no doubt, He bore it all for me.
Nailed to the cross, His blood flowed out, His love has made me free.

tomorrow i am going to CO and will study Literature thereafter. It better be a fruitful studying session, because otherwise i may not have the time to study literature proper afterwards. (:

shaO.

2005-03-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

la la la la la

i feel good today. ((: there's just one more paper to countdown to.

who cares if i screwed up some other subject. at least i tried close to my best and i know i didn't have some bad attitude problem halfway through and give up mugging. i also know i didn't slack super alot (although i did watch samurai x once or twice on tv..) and end up wasting my precious time so much so i felt guilty.

i didnt go out and splurge my cash immediately after geography, but i did spend money on popcorn chicken and went over to xinling's house with an initial intention to watch Shall We Dance starring Richard Gere as her "hot guy" hahaha. but we couldn't figure out how to plug in the vcd player to the tv, so we ended up chatting over lunch up till 4pm.

dont really talk to xinling very much. but somehow there weren't very many ellipses in 2hourorso conversation over lunch. (: then i had pizza at yu'ans place. woohoo!! that's just how my day was spent slacking today. hahaha.

nice day. ((:

shaO.

2005-03-22T09:11:00.000+08:00

this is meant to make me feel more optimistic. trust me.

when you actually think about it, it doesn't seem that bad. let's put aside the results for this common tests, simply because the results don't matter. If you screw up, you know you will have to work harder and your grades itself will be an incentive to motivate you to do so. If you don't screw up and do well, you know you can make it. Now then all you need would be the self-drive to continue working hard for the upcoming preliminary exams and As.

the fact that we've had one week or so of time to mug and relax at the same time is something we can and should all be thankful for. (: Mugging with friends really helps, because that's when I find I study until I'm almost saturated haha. Mugging on your own would probably help too, because you need private time alone to mug by yourself and figure things out. Friends are there for the initial drive, but studying ultimately is your own responsibility, within your own hands.

We art students in NJ would have gotten 2 out of the 3 papers of Literature and GP over and done with yesterday. (: Whether or not what we think the outcome will be of those 2 papers, I guess it wouldn't matter anymore. As I said, if you don't do well, find out what's wrong and work harder. If you do well, thank God and move on to work even harder. Today is Economics. Although I find myself barely prepared - I've read the notes twice at least, and wrote out notes for 1.5 chapters but nothing else - I guess at least I can take in whatever knowledge I have and try to sort it out in the examination hall itself. Better than walking into the examination hall without any knowledge about the subject, yeah?

Thank God we arts students in NJ have a break tomorrow morning before Maths in the afternoon at 2pm tomorrow. (: so that leaves a little bit more time to relax, to read a bit more Geography and cram more formulas haha. And after Maths tomorrow, we just got to push ourselves all the way - Geography students - to finish as much Geography as we can so we won't flunk too badly haha. I think if I convince myself, I can last past midnight for Geography at 9am.

After Geography. It'd be almost over. Then I have 3 days or so to relax, go for Good Friday and Easter services at church and have my mind off most of the things I had my mind on this week. Besides, I cannot deny I enjoy studying George Herbert, and it'd only tie in with the Good Friday and Easter services this weekend. Making it more appropriate. I hope I can draw strength from God. I hope you guys can too.

see? it isn't that bad. you just got to walk yourself through it.

me.

goners.

2005-03-19T20:27:00.000+08:00

i feel a little more accomplished than yesterday. At least from the time I blogged last evening till now, I could say I've done relatively some stuff as compared to the past few days of holiday-mugging. i think it takes time to warm yourselves up into the real mugging drive. heh. so now, when I'm just about started to sit down real tight, hold on to my seat, and mug hard... i realise the holidays are just about over. ta-ta my revision schedule. >.<

now i know i blog super a lot but who cares laa. maybe i'm just the kinda person who needs to blog to feel good. or whatever. but I promise I won't be here tomorrow. Unless I've given up mugging.

i stayed up until 1am to finish writing notes for economics chapter 10: unemployment. boy. i've finished reading that chapter, and i can proudly say if i read through it and try to internalise it the day before the paper, i'd be able to get some stuff into my head. but that's about it. this morning i forced myself to get up to study at amk with xy and mvs again. and i studied from 9am till 530pm. minus the lunchbreaks and toiletbreaks and walking from macs to kfc and stuff. argh. studied, but not done studying. planned to finish doing all the maths chapters (i'm left with vectors. which i deem impossible to figure out. hmpf.) from the tys. [and it's the tys. nj isnt that kind with commontests. ya.]. Planned to finish reading Pinter. (but didnt touch it today.) Planned to finish reading all my econs notes. (finished only chpt10.)

So i'm left with 2 thick stacks of moneyyyy notes for chapter 11 of economics, and I've Pinter: The Caretaker to read by Monday, and the deadest thing i just realised is while i've got to finish econs this weekend, i gotta finish up Pinter AND gp AND whitby'spracticalcriticismtechniques all in the few little hours of tomorrow. (which I assume i'm gonna have to get an early rest or else i'll start the commontest week off bad.) that's so little time!!!

okay shao. Don't let's just panic yet. You can do this.

the nice thing is that while i'm trying to keep my head on my neck, and my neck attached to the rest of my body, people are holding onto their heads with me as well. (: thanks for studying with me, thanks for dropping by all those little msgs and stuff that makes me happy knowing that i must go on. :) thanks for tempting me with that postcommonsdinner. 'cos now that's like something i'm living for. wahaha. i'm kidding.

i had one of the weirdest dreams last night. if you'd heard about 2 of the worst nightmares i've had, they happened at least 6 years ago. Last night, that dream was so real to me, I woke up almost sweating, and my heartbeat was faster, and I had to make myself remember this dream even in the middle of the night.

I can't remember how i ended up in that little room, which reminded me of an examination classroom. There was no one else there apart from a ragged old man at that desk in the middle of the room. I was with him. and he was breathing heavily. (he bore a strange resemblance to Davies, the character in HaroldPinter's The Caretaker, our lit text.) I don't know how I knew this, but he was dying.

I sat about two tables in front of him, watching. I think I was suppose to watch him. He was old and worn out. I think he was a bad man. Had some sort of ugly past about being a criminal. But when I looked into the eyes of the old weary figure, I saw no hatred or evil lurking. I saw regret and fear. Fear of death, maybe. Fear of what was to come.

His breathing intesnified. He started to grow pale and choke. He leaned forward toward me and whispered raspily - something about wanting Jesus. Wanting life. Not wanting to die. He grabbed me and I stared into his eyes. I began to cry. This old man was so scared, of the uncertain death ahead of him. He needed God. He needed salvation. But he didn't know what that meant - he didn't know what "wanting Jesus" meant, did he?

The amount of grief that swelled within me was overwhelming. I didn't know how to react, what to say. He was so frightened, but he didn't know the Truth. It was almost like Jesus looking down on us and feeling the absolute pain of seeing us helpless. Helplessly searching for someone, or something like Him. This old man was dying - choking and crying. And he wanted assurance that things didn't end like that. And I. Just didn't know what to do.

I remember myself sobbing uncontrollably in that dream. I drew him close and cried, "but you can't just believe now... It doesn't work like that... It's not like that..." And I didn't know what to say, or what I said at that point in time, but I couldn't bear to see him begging for "Jesus".

His breathing shortened, his lips turned blue. He was in great pain. Then I kneeled down and pulled him toward me as I felt him slipping away from my hands - before I let him go, I whispered, "But just remember - Jesus always loves you..."

it's a short entry i wrote in one of my notebooks when i woke up in the morning. The intensity of emotions that I felt in the dream and immediately after it when I woke up, had of course, subsided. But I guess it really felt torturous to look upon someone leave the world - desperate to know some kind of Truth about God and Life - too late. It was grievous. Painful. to imagine your loved one going through the same struggle on their deathbed in the future.

I just wish no one on earth ever had to feel this way about life.

(: i've got lots of things to do. and i hope i do them joyfully. church stuff. school stuff. i'm also hoping i can watch American Beauty tonight. it's one of my favourite shows. Not because it's happy and sweet and funloving. But because I love the visual effects, the cameraangles, the cinematography... the beauty of life revealed through exploring the darkness of it.

it's gory. but it's a good movie. :)

shaO.

CRAMM--ING

2005-03-18T19:35:00.000+08:00

hydrographs. yellow post-it pads. peak discharge. GEOGRAPHY. instant mee. foot of the perpendicular. channelisation. dykes. droynes. embankments. FLOODS. bangladesh. nominal and real GDP. fluvial processes. cameron BOH tea. in a MUG. UNEMPLOYMENT. christine on msn. since P lies on the line L. tys. colorado. Meghna. Brahmaputra. Ganges. India. Nepal. Dams. Drainage basins.

ah damn. it's pretty obvious although i tried cramming, there isn't much in my head. =X it's all revolving around the same ol' thing. Physical geography: Hydrological Cycle and Fluvial Processes. and that little wee bit of economics I managed to read through while cooking my dinner in the kitchen. heh.

shaO you should so whip yourself.

the conversation on msn with christine was really nice though. (:

arghh. one more mugging day. *frets.
me.

2005-03-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

mugged more. more mugged.

honestly, all I hope for the common tests after the holidays is that I won't fail too badly (so at least there's still some space for explanation if the need arises for it). And after I get the next week or so of tests over and done with, I promise myself I got to find a nice bunch of friends to start studying - consistently. perhaps xy would like to be part of that solution.? (:

argh. Sometimes I wished I wasn't so impulsive to give my blogsites' url to so many people. I know a blog is meant for people to read and comment and such, but when it comes to wanting to type about how you feel regarding some people, I find it so hard to draw a line to protect my personal privacy.

maybe it's my fault too. but recently i've been feeling extremely tired by your presence. like i get the feeling we're so close we almost take each other for granted. and i get the feeling i'm being treated that way. Granted, i am as flawed a person as you and everyone out there, and I probably take my close buds for granted as well at times, but yeah, sometimes I need to grit my teeth and pretend i'm fine and try to get over it. maybe studying a jc will mould a person's character to be someone else altogether. make you more competitive, more self-centred. not you in particular, just any tomdickandharry out there on the streets. but I don't like it. i get the feeling i'm being kicked to one side because i'm dumb, or because i'm boring to you. ~~since we know each other like so long.~~ yeah, I guess sometimes I do treat others - you - the same way. Like forfeiting certain things for certain things. and I guess it doesn't make anyone happy.

the more I think about friendships and how sometimes it can turn sour over time, I wonder if there'll ever be a friendship I can hold on to forever and not let it ferment. I'm so scared all the friendships that I cherish in my life right this moment will be slowly stripped off me in due time. When the photoframes grow mouldy, and bookshelves get dusty, and cobwebs start growing in the corners...

i love you guys.
and yes, i hecked blogging about the mugging part today.

shaO.

2005-03-15T20:34:00.000+08:00

ah hahas. it is pretty cool. I found this website of the 04a1 class of nyjc after navigating through a few links from friends' blogs and such. I believe it has been up and alive since the first month January in 2004. That'd mean we're talking about the original nyjc 04A1.. the class who always queued in front of my nyjc class in the hall hahahas. ((:

dont know why I've such strange inclinations to relate myself to them, but ahh. the thought of seeing a few old familiar faces on the blogskin (check it out!) was pretty hmm. should i say, warm. ^^ I remember angie (a sec 5 from pl - she's really sweet!!), raymond (some guy from choir.), norman, ruth (a retainee?), sherry (my ogmate vulcan OG4? currently in nj.), and siewtee (my og mate and a good friend around nyjc.^^).. hahas. just admit it. I've solid strong memory. :p wonder why 04A2 never made it so far. lol. maybe we just pon too much. hahas.

studying is making me hot on my toes. i studied with xinyi and mavis at some ulooated KFC outlet in BukitTimahPlaza. For a moment, this old lady staff threatened to chase us out if we didn't make our purchases soon. hahas - yikes. I realised there's really no time. =X so now i'm considering lowering my expectations. maybe I shouldn't be expecting to maintain whatever results I got for promos. Somehow, after you hit the grades say, CEDD, you kinda feel you gotta push it up from there, no.? hais, I'm kinda hoping to pass and settle the napfa and syf and aurora stuff. after CTs. I promise, I'll start mugging. seriously.

shaO.

2005-03-14T20:44:00.000+08:00

urghh.

i don't like people who act as if the piece of sky belonging to them is going to fall and then they start ignoring people because it's that whole myselfinthemiddle subconsciousness or something. heh. maybe it sounds like me, but it wasn't me i was intending to describe.

whatever.

you know, sometimes I feel like things are becoming so strained because it's my fault.? like maybe if I was nicer, or kinder, or less selfish, or more concerned about you. maybe then I didn't have to feel so irritated now.

hint: irritation.
shaO.

2005-03-14T16:39:00.000+08:00

geography. geography. geography.

I've been staring at Geography: Hydrological System and Fluvial Processes for the past (many) hours in the day, and my eyes are starting to feel sore staring at words such as "river deposition" "river transportation" "critical tractive force" "erosion velocity" and such. =X it's so bulky. how am I going to finish studying 4 subjects in 6 days... when I can barely manage one subject in a day. -frenzies about for a moment.-

tania came to my church yesterday. suddenly slapping my butt really hardly and thereafter throwing her long arms around me and spinning me around happily. it gave me quite a shock, but I was really really happy to see her. (: after feeling out of place for the past few weeks or so, I finally meet someone whom I miss so much. it made me realise there're so many other things to live for apart from the horrors and pressures of NJC. hahas. which made me really excited because I thought of having this mugging session with christine alista and tania (just the 4 of us old friends.) and we could go catch a movie or a bite later on and stuff... I kinda feel that it's at least that important to grab a quick bite with my old friends. like si did. relive the old days before I live through another term. replenish some strange portion of my mental self. :)
i love you guys so much.

hearing Rev. Peter Chung speak 3 times in 2 days kind of replenished a spiritual part of me I could never really point out as well. One of the reasons why I find his sermons so enjoyable to the listeners, is probably the vivid stories that he tells on the pulpit. It almost bears a slight resemblance to a suburban pastor preaching in a small church on the pastoral fields... hahas. One of the stories I loved was the one he mentioned about John Maxwell while sharing with us his thoughts on the Lord's Prayer.

"Forgive us our trepasses, just as we forgive those who trespass against us"
Although John Maxwell graduated from the seminary as probably an outstanding student, he did not find it in his heart peace to go about serving God in the mission fields. His teacher noticed him seemingly troubled, and spoke to him, in hope of sharing his woe.
His trouble was, each time John Maxwell recited the Lord's Prayer, and came across that particular sentence on forgiveness, he would find himself unfit to serve God, since he admitted, he was unable to forgive one particular person in his life. Concerned, his teacher listened as he shared about his problem. When he was a boy, his father abandoned his mother and himself for another woman. He witnessed his father stepping out of the house and his mother in tears, begging him to stay. As a child, he ran up to his father and pleaded him to stay and not leave them both behind. He clung onto his father's thigh, but angrily, his father kicked him away and closed the door after him. They never kept in contact again. and John Maxwell could never find the capacity to forgive his father for what he had done.
After the sharing, his teacher decided to pray for him. In prayer, they committed John Maxwell to God and prayed asking God to grant him the strength to forgive his father and put the past behind him. Just like it was not easy for John Maxwell to forgive his father after hatred for so many years, it is never easy for us to forgive people in our lives who done us much wrong. But God gave him the strength and love great enough to forgive his father, and after the prayer, John admitted that he felt much relieved, joyful - regarding the entire situation.
The moment he reached home, he received a call - from his father. After not calling John Maxwell for many years, his father finally called him and told him that he was very sorry for what he had done to the family years ago. He admitted his wrong before his son, and sought his forgiveness. Then he explained that just about an hour ago, he had accepted Christ as his personal Saviour, and became a Christian.
John realised an hour ago, he was just at the seminary praying with his teacher for his father and strength for forgiveness*.

It is strange how things can work out when we really try to fit life's puzzles back into pieces again. (:

back to studying,
shaO.

2005-03-12T22:44:00.000+08:00

Prayer.

i went for a revival meeting this evening at Thomson Road Baptist church, a revival meeting organised by several heads of baptist churches in Singapore. i did feel out of place - slightly - again, but i suppose amidst that revival meeting this evening, me feeling disconnected from the ypf members and church friends isn't exactly a big thing. i told weiwu I'd come as a Christian seeking to know my God better. I'm glad I did say that, because I reminded myself about this promise I made implicitly to myself - and God.

Scripture passage taken from Luke 11:1-4 and Matthew 6:5-13, both are translated versions of the Lord's Prayer. I shall type it out. (:

"Prayer 5“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
9“This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 11Give us today our daily bread. 12Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

I learnt alot. Among all the little lessons there was to pick up, the general picture was how Rev. Peter Chung was able to go through and teach about it in such great detail. You'd be amazed how very often when we recite the Lord's Prayer by heart and not really know what it really means when Jesus Christ prayed it to His Father in Heaven before he was arrested. We should be ashamed.

I never noticed before that the Lord's Prayer was divisible into 2 sections. The beginning was that of hope. 1. "hallowed by Thy name" - to credit God the absolute power and authority of being Holy, the way He is. 2. "Thy kingdom come" - With reference to Luke 17:20-21, "the kingdom of God is within you". I suppose it makes sense when you think of it in terms of God having the ultimate ruling in our lives. When God controls our life in that little throne of ours in our hearts, then it's only right to say the kingdom of God is within us. 3. Thy will be done on earth - we should all seek His will in our lives and obey it. things may not turn out the way we want or hope for. things may be bad... but I believe that when we obey God's Will in our lives, things will ultimately be beautiful. it won't hurt us.
The second part of the Lord's Prayer would be that of asking. 1. Give us today our daily bread - referring to all our different daily needs, spiritually and physically in all our trials, God will provide what we need. 2. Forgive our debts just as we forgive our debtors - to pray for a heart of forgiveness for other people. when we understand the extent of God's Grace and love, we can ask God to give us a heart to forgive everyone who may have trespassed against us. (he told a really touching story about this. i could share it later.) 3. deliver us from evil - to pray for wisdom and strength to overcome what Jesus Christ has personally overcomed the devil Satan.

you guys should go hear him for yourselves, if you're interested. (: 'cos I really am not too good at translating the mandarin version of what I heard to the English version of what I type. It may seem kind of preachy or theoretical, but it's a revival meeting. It did help encourage me. Help me see the importance and urgency in it.

ohh. singing hymns were really cool too. (: It's been such a long time since I've been "into" such a meeting whereby we sing songs that encourage us so much. Maybe it was the singspiration leader, who sang with so much vibe and zest. so much joy and passion, radiating energy. hahas. but I really did enjoy it. (: Now I know why some people like to type songs out in their blogs... I think songs really express what people want to say really well sometimes. it's like a poetry, a painting in words, giving a visual picture to the singer or reader, and the music fills you inside out. It's just magical. hahas. When I find the right song to type, I hope I can share it here too. ^^

ah, sometimes I wonder if people look at us and wonder if we're just another bunch of fanatics. Religious people who subject themselves to the boundaries and restrictions of their beliefs. How silly of them to be limited within the regulations and commandments of their religion. and Isn't it better if you're an atheist, a freethinker, and you can just live your life accountable to yourself and be free?

Truth is, I guess that's a perfectly reasonable way of looking at things. But take a moment to consider the possibility of a Christian God being real. If it being so, then you'll be missing out on so much more. Worst is, at the end of it all, you'll be accountable to Him. Are not all humans subjected to undergo the same things in life and after life? If we all die and reincarnate, won't it be the same? If we all die and go to Heaven, won't we all go to Heaven? wells.. if we all die and face judgement, so shall all everyone, and you are accountable to God for the way you've led your life.

I think it's how we define freedom. ah, it's so hard to explain. People on the ouside stand apart from Christians and think we subject ourselves to so much misery just following the 10 simple Commandments.. or obeying God or living a life that is so restricted.. church, school, family. your life's got to be disciplined, got to be well-lived and virtuous, hah. whiles they have nothing to live up to, no rules to follow, no god as a model to measure themselves against.. no one to be accountable for their lives... they can have all the time in the world playing, having fun, and nobody cares apart from the direct consequences reaped from your actions. but I guess we see it in another way. As Christians, we have the spiritual understanding and power since God is on our side. We have Faith that roots from within us - and we can stand up against peer pressure, against corrupted values, against temptation and worries and uncertainties of the present and future, just knowing God is for us and He's in control of our lives. We can live free lives in joy and peace and comfort knowing He holds the future. (: On the other hand, if you look at it from this perspective, nonChristians don't have that assurance and comfort. They may have no rules in life to follow, but ultimately, they only have themselves and men to rely on - they may not have the strength to stand up under pressure or difficulties, they may be disheartened when they face troubles and problems... they are so at risk of collapsing inside. I guess when you look at it from this way, it's a different thing... because nonChristians don't have the freedom to live life the way they may want to. they don't have the assurance and promise of eternal life spiritually - so the world they live in is in some sense, restricted. they live within their own boundaries of sin.

ahh. it's hard to understand it, isn't it. I don't even know if my understanding and concept of the whole matter above is right. Although I suppose that's how I have been feeling and thinking about it, for a pretty long time. don't shoot me or ruin my tagboard if you read it and don't feel happy or disagree or whatever. emailing me would be fine... but yups, just like many of my blogging friends would say, if you're not comfortable or happy reading the things I type up here on this blog, then don't read it. (: I welcome you to read, but don't restrict what I want to write, yups.

just a bit of what i've learnt. and songs are magical things.

love,
shaO.

2005-03-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

perhaps i'm just not in a really bloggative mood after CO on a friday in week10 of the first school term. :p but I'm really tired. even after I skipped half a day of school on tuesday. hahas.

anyhows, had lots of things to brood about lately. especially things like the upcoming common tests, and how the whole CO situation is like currently. I guess underlying all our usual stress and pressures we all face during the day, there's this innate anxiety regarding the possible outcome of the audition, and the possible consequence of not being wellprepared enough for the common tests that just haunts you when you've nothing else on your mind to fill the void. works for me at least lah.

ahh. I just want to get the whole darn audition thing over and done with. I thank God the auditions were okay. at least even if we screwed up, it wasn't that bad. you could tell it was a song we were blowing, that sort of thing. and yups. (: it's over. like when I was on the bus today on my way home, I thought of the sectional practices. I think I'm a sucky suona player. oh I love my instrument, no doubt about that. (no doubt we all love it. hahas.) But in terms of standard, in terms of my desire to perfect the stuff i'm playing, I'm just totally slack. especially now. I dont know, maybe it's selfconsciousness that prevents me from blowing and practising as if there was nobody else in the room. I hate practising alone. (yes copy that: I hate having sectionals alone.) so yes, I guess in other words I thank you guys for always being around during xiaozu practices. heh. but I figured, if i do by God's Will get into this syf thing, then I got to practice - hard.

I want to have that Faith enough to commit my entire CCA into God's Hands. argh. sometimes I feel almost as if i'm a hypocrite myself for not being able to do that. I talk about God and His Will, His love and Grace that is able to cover our hurt and mend our wounds. I talk about having Faith and trust that He'll work things out for us all the time. Yet, I panic. I fear. Faith does not coexist with fear. What is it that I'm feeling then? Do I not have Faith enough to go through this? =X It's just hard to give it up. to let it go. to release it to God. like imagine letting a bunch of balloons fly into the atmosphere just like that above your head. I feel so insecure not having the strings held fast within my grip. I sometimes hate myself for not being able to give it up.

yups. I thought about it on the bus on my way home. Whatever the outcome, I'm just going to accept it. (I hope we can all accept it and help each other through ya.) If its personally good news, I'm gonna thank Him definitely. If it's personally bad news, then I guess I'll just got to convince myself it's all for God's Glory and His Plan. I'm going to have to take it in my stride and have a positive attitude about it. I'm just going to have to smile and say, "Great. So I'm not good enough. Let's work harder to perfect the songs for the concert." hah. sounds rather cynical, but trust me - I'm going to have to have that sorta mentality. perhaps it's a different way of facing it, handling situations when bad circumstances come your way. perhaps.

ahh. friends. some people defines their "best friend" as someone whom they understand the most. I define my "best friend" as someone whom I think understands me the most. sounds self-centred? heh, probably. but it sounds reasonable to me too. (: hahas, ties in with nette and I wanting a soulmate. feeling loved. ah. the idea of a "best friend" sounds so remote and distant in our memories. sounds like something we used to talk about in primary school. hahas, those good old days. i always thought yee soon was my best friend in primary school, until Ms Tay Siew Noi (my primary 4 teacher) told us that we should never call someone else as our "best friend" until we're older. why? because that person's probably not going to be our "best friend" in our entire life - a "best friend" should be for life. and "best" basically meant.. the "top one". hahas. well, i guess that sorta made so much sense to me, I've been very careful about using the term "best friend" on anyone in my life.

so much so I think I missed out on what a "best friend" really is. I think - now that i'm older - best friend occurs in various stages of your life. like when I was in primary school, yeesoon was my best friend. we hung out alot together and even had breakfast before school at her house!! hahas. :D when I was in secondary school, Christine was my really really good friend. I love her loads. although I don't show it very much when I'm with her. our thoughts connect, for 4 years of my life she's been sort of my driving force. an inspiration to me. she's something i model after - someone I look up to, in some sense. Christine.. is my best friend in secondary school. [and i decided today that I'll have to make sure that friendship doesn't end!!] i don't know who's gonna become my best friend in njc, but I doubt we'll have the pleasure of having a best friend in these few years of our lives. everyone's just too busy. too busy fighting for opportunities for their future. too busy fending for themselves. too busy trying to keep up. ah, it's the whole young adult thing i suppose. it's sad.

i'm planning to study with xinyi and mavis at amk soon during the holidays. probably everyday!! hahas. I've got to. It scares me because even people with 3 subjects and stuff are already mugging for the Common tests. I have 4 subjects, I suck at all 4 of them, and yet I'm still trying to roll dices when it comes to tutorials. man... I've got to do something.
anyways, I am looking forward to popcorn chicken!! hahas. :p

there's so much controversy and irony in life.
that should be what i'm blogging about. not my life.

shaO.

2005-03-10T20:14:00.000+08:00

ahh. i just read nette's blog, and I do share the same sentiments with her. sometimes, perhaps a special period of your life, your just want to have thise particular close friend of yours whom you can talk to about anything and everything under the sun. hahas. yah.. still feel pretty disconnected with people in my life recently. heh. like sometimes, even close friends start to get a little irritating and you just melt away and say nothing at all...

dear Lord,

I just want a special friend I can talk to. honest. I know I can talk to you, but sometimes having a person right next to you is a different thing altogether. (:

and I think Ms ting is a nice lady from the inside out. someone just needs to help her open up more. hahas. thanks for letting me love her today. sort of see the different side of her. :D

ah. and the auditions.

in commitment,
shaO.

2005-03-09T18:46:00.000+08:00

things are probably less scary once you've been through them and stepped out of it. whether or not we've conquered it successfully or not, I suppose the thing worth celebrating for is the fact that we've made it out of it alive. I hope I didn't screw up too badly. I could feel my hands shaking and stuff when I was in the room, but perhaps it is true to say that the older you are, the less you worry about things like that?

I'm just entrusting the entire situation into God's Hands. It could take some time to convince me this if bad news really starts to sink in later on, but for now, I'm contented resting in the assurance that things are okay. (: hahas. and i think it prolly was pms when I kept feeling so down the past few days. because today, I felt much happier. ^^ relaxed. relieved.

We made a visit to the Parliament house this afternoon during our civics period for what NJ calls Learning Journey. It's one of the NE educational programmes that the school made compulsory for each class to attend some time during the year, just so that we gain experience, exposure. oh wells, I didn't mind the visit to the Parliament House, because we actually got to sit through about 10 minutes of a budget debate, hearing the ministers debate on the budget allocations and addressing issues regarding the Ministry of Education. It was quite fascinating seeing how things work around the Parliament house, since I probably wouldn't be interested in stepping in again after I leave NJ. hah.

We saw our PM and Eunice Olsen and weird people here and there from a distance. (our PM was seemingly dozing off in the budget debate!!) Anyways, the stuff and design of the various facilities in the Parliament House is really cool. things like the transmitter and earphones and the "simultaneous translators" they have when the various ministers speak. they had a soundproof room we were seated in for a while, when the "tour guides" were touring us around. the weirdest thing was bowing to this television screen just because it was a form of "respect" everyone had to show to the chairperson. (or speaker. i kinda forgot. hahas.)

I figured life as an MP or working in the Parliament House must be pretty boring. You have to go through security checks every day, bow to television screens, be alert and uptight at all times, act professional.. bah. it's just not me. Blame it on me being an arts student, or maybe just blame it on me being me. But I'm not office-material and I cannot imagine my life being restricted to having 20 minutes "recess" during the debates and having ringing bells dictate when I should walk into the hall. =X I find it hard to concentrate just staring at the order paper distributed or listening to the ministers present and argue their case.

anyhows, it was a valuable experience. I don't suppose I'll ever step into the parliament house again, unless there happens to be a turn of events in my life. hahas. for now, I'm still fixed on being a counsellor or a social worker. or something close to that. (:

cheers everyone,
shaO.

2005-03-07T17:47:00.000+08:00

what is that word.

strange.
seems like I've been feeling a little out of place recently.

like in school. (i even find myself irritated at my closest friends.) like in CO. (I find myself disconnected even from my suonists sometimes.) like in church. (I'm slowly finding myself in nowhere. i'm no longer a kid. i'm not yet an adult.)

hmm.

p.s. audition for syf is tomorrow. i thank all who have been tolerating my whininess, my pessimism and my paranoia for the past few days or so. (: I will get better. hahas. I just realised we've been informed of this audition months ago. why worry now. heh. besides, I'd rather have a positive attitude and come out of it half alive then have a bloody attitude and go in and out of like a loser. =)

God bless everyone.
shaO.

2005-03-05T09:30:00.000+08:00

i don't know why I was kinda ~~broody~~ (that's nette's word.) i mean, gloomy, the second half of yesterday. perhaps because it was all the anxiety together with our seniors, our school, and the heat of the sun in that dreaded balcony area that made me kinda down. I'm glad many people I knew did well. i'm really proud of my seniors, both from nj and pl, because I think even if they aren't satisfied with their results, they have given their best, and that's kinda the main thing that matters. giving it all your best. (doesn't seem like what I'm doing now. =X)

Together with all the excitement over Os and then As and then seeing your friends collect the results in front of everyone... it kinda scares me. alot of whatifs start popping out in my head. like.. whatif you don't do well, when everyone has did great. you'll be witnessing all the joy amidst your own sorrow. whatif you screw up your As.. you'll have to replan your future. whatif... ahh, someone should just bish me. i hope this is a once-in-a-while broody gloomy state that I'm in. not a permanent thing that I fall back on each time I fail to remain optimistic.

ohh. several of our juniors had to go for auditions yesterday as well, and it sort of made us more concerned and worried for them. no, not worry actually. it's the kind of feeling you get when your concern just drains it out of you. i don't know what it drains, heh. I just know it makes you feel so much more... drained. tired, worn out. seeing my junior not being able to smile or be 100% happy after the O level results release kinda makes me sad. seeing my senior tell me she didn't do well, but is still trying out for law anyway makes me concerned. hearing my senior cried, made me depressed.

oh. and now they told us auditions are next week, instead of after the common tests. which would mean that what seemed like a distant 3 weeks away trauma, is now right before our very eyes. and we have slightly more than 3 days to prepare ourselves for it. bleah. I think I'm just paranoid or what. someone just bish me. hahas. yeahh. so worried i brought my instrument home to practice. actually, it was more of wanting to get myself a better reed so I can feel better about myself over the weekend. and i need my instrument to help tune it right for me. not that I can guarantee my reed will be ready by tuesday or the auditions, or whenever it is. lol. I just hope things will turn out okay. i hope.

ahh. in this time of trouble, i'm so glad you guys are there for me. at least, i hope you guys are there for me. hahas. and i am constantly trying to remind myself God is behind me - us - supporting us in this. like i used to tell people, no matter what the outcome, God has it in control. even if it seems out of our league and stuff. =X i know for the whole of this entry, i don't sound the least like i've any consolation from Him. But I guess Christians are still people.. and while we try to fight to hold on to what we believe in in Christ, that doesn't mean we cannot get depressed at times. so there, i'm trying to have Faith. hahas. my Sunday school teacher said Faith does not coexist with fear. so sheesh. (: i guess I've got to do something about it.

shaO.

2005-03-02T19:41:00.000+08:00

I think in some sense, we have a fresh memory of the experience we had last year, very much similar to our juniors' experiences on Monday this year. Sensing the initial panic, and eventual relief from many of our juniors and friends kinda made me smile. (: Like you've been through so much and finally you have that confirmation that things are okay. maybe even great. looking back from the perspective of my juniors, I kind of picked up alot more stuff I may never have last year.

For one thing, I feel very often at the mercy of fate, or in other words, God's Will. Nobody will expect himself or herself to fail a core subject, such as English. Yet, unexpectable things do happen sometimes, and I guess until the unexpected happens to ourselves or people around us, do we then realise how vulnerable we are to external abstract factors in life that actually controls us - more than we control them. So often we take for granted the fact that "it's impossible to fail English." Speaking it for almost two decades every day of your life, surely failing this subject was nonsensical. but hah. assumptions may not be right all the time.

To be downright honest, even I as a Christian tend to take for granted a lot of the things that God has actually blessed me with.? Such as obtaining good *relatively results for all my important final year examinations (eg. my psle, and Os and Promos.) and never failing English and simple things like that we assume will never happen. Too often I tell myself, "ah, God will not let such a horrible thing happen to me." and I ignore the possibility that perhaps one day, God will let me hit down on the floor real hard, to learn a lesson - that our assurance should come from our Faith that God will work things out for us (even the messiest situations to become beautiful.), not from assumptions we gather from experiences of the majority people.

I am extremely thankful for all my friends who did well, or who were satisfied with their results. (: You guys deserved the joy you're getting now, man.. all the intelligence and hard work you guys must have put in. I'm glad you guys are happy. For those who didn't do as they had hoped, I just hope you guys pick yourselves up soon and don't get too defeated by this little fall, yah? ^^ When I look around njc, I kind of feel that nj's the kind of school where people go around talking about results and the academic future almost all the time.. lol. Back in nyjc, I remembered people asked out of concern or curiosity just once, and thereafter, nobody really wanted to keep thinking about it. It was more of making the most out of our remaining time in the college together. :) My point is? Say you do badly in Os and you're not feeling your best. I'm pretty sure you may just choose to not come to school, (unless you have to.) because you don't want to be bombarded with your classmates and seniors and teachers who will be asking the same question over and over. Or, if you need any, giving the same advice to you over and over. I suppose at the end of it all, you make your own decision, and the advice other people can give you are all similar. so. ((: be independent. if you have a religion, pray. if your parents give good sane nonbias advice, consult them. seniors in schools you're interested in, consult them. finally, it voices down to your own choice i guess. and yups. make it believing you've made the right choice and be happy about it. ^^ that's somewhat my motto for my life. hahas.

today, Ms Ting smiled at me. not during her tutorial... hahas. :p I was walking along the corridor and she was walking in the other direction, and man... I was about to greet her "good afternoon ms ting" or something, and she smiled a big geniune smile and i could see her white teeth, and her hair swayed because she was walking sideways and the wind blew...no wait. and she said, "hello". like i was her friend or something. kinda sent cold wind through me later on. hahahas. yupps. some nice stuff that happened today that made me happy. oooh. library was kinda fun too. we had some sort of US Embassy Visitation because they were real nice and donated about 150 books to NJ's library. For some reason, the library and school made it a totally elaborated event, and dressed the library in red blue and white and stuff. borrowed in microphones, bookstands, decorated boards, printed some lovely american-coloured programme list... and yadda yadda. made me kinda ashamed to be an njcian because we seemed to be so backboneless as singaporeans. (I'm pretty sure the Americans didn't come to singpaore and nj to find us wiping their boots all shiny and stuff by promoting USA in singapore.?!) urgh. wanhang wasn't happy too. bootlicking. urghh. but the interaction that followed with the reception (woohoo!! =P) was good. I made friends with 3 RV juniors and whoa. for once i have a pretty positive impression of that school! (: even walked the RV girl junior out of school and we talked. hahas. about jcs. ^^ oh. today was also interesting, because there was some sort of talk by the CEO of NKF. (yes, National Kidney Foundation.) Mr. Duvai or something.

It was an awfully fascinating talk, followed by fascinating question-and-answer. I only regret the session wasn't long enough, and the questions were not particularly to-the-point-we-all-want-to-know. heh. alot of somewhat unnecessary questions here and there, when what I wanted to know was how one would define "non-profit" ecetera and ecetera. and i wish he had given more detailed, elaborated answers. I didn't really have a fond impression of Mr. Duvai though, and after his speech, I had a worst impression of NKF, very sadly. I think most of my classmates do too. He was all in all, unable to adequately clarify the misunderstandings the public has about NKF (he swiped off all the misunderstandings about their donation usages as inevitable. that they got to respect society if some people just choose to think that about their organisation.) He raised several questionable examples, statements which I don't think many njcians were too happy about. What Davina posed as one of the last questions about his illustration of this girl called Linda, supposedly one of his patients whom he motivated her to a stage-by-stage progression in her life. 1. Doing well in school. 2. Getting a boyfriend. 3. Getting married. 4. Having children... Yes, to an extent, I understand and even agree with the important fact that it is important to have the patients stand up on their own two feet and have a life instead of feeding off sympathy of the public donors and wallowing in self-pity until your physical body wears out. I understand why they may want to add value to the donors' charity. But yet, I found the idea of having to dictate the "stages" in your patients' life (who is by right, another human being just like yourself!) quite unthinkable. What gave NKF or the managers of the foundation to decide what is good or bad for someone? There is a lot of controversy. And besides, he insulted us (njc.) and the society way too times for me to forgive him. lol. He just seemed totally self-righteous and idealistic. stiffnecked, if i may say so. =X

At one point, he said something like people should all be motivated to stand up for themselves and their family; their family should be willing to support them (the patients), before they choose to provide medical subsidies and financial aid for them. If not so, the patients should just not live. (or something like that. something like that!!) heh. yeahh.. its the kind of thing when you hear the last part of the comment and it jerks you way up, but you kinda let the first half slip past your mind. He also said something like, "they're just actors putting up show", in reference to the sacrifice and training the Mediacorp artistes to pull together their stunts. In one of his Q&A rebuttals, he started by saying "-cough- Why are all the smart students in hc?" Seriously, lol. He should have just thought twice before that statement shot out from his mouth. Because i had this feeling if he were to bring down his crew of NKF fundraisers to convince us to donate more money to them, NJC would just ignore them all and not donate a single cent. heh.
not that I'm debasing the NKF and charities. I think NKF has developed and branched into something so much more economical then just mere charity. While some of their goals and aims are commendable, some of their means and concepts are questionable. I just think NKF has expanded so much, it's hard to keep track what the funds are really for. It's so easy to argue that you're using the funds to upgrade your facilities. But if upgrading isn't necessary, then isn't the usage of this amount of money which are obviously from public's donations, extremely questionable? Won't it shaken the faith the public had long have in the foundation to provide for their patients medically? It's extremely hard to justify everything that NKF is doing.

Besides, I feel that it is too idealistic a goal to want all their patients to work hard and earn more. "the more our patients earn, the less they pay." - I think it's terribly ironic. While many people may need that extra motivating to keep them going, many are also unable to do much for themselves. In such situations, I would think it is extremely hard to consider it on a case-by-case basis, since NKF is so huge. How then, does NKF decide when should patients be shown "extra compassion", for example?

urghh. so many questions, so little answers to satisfy them.

shaO.

2005-02-28T20:49:00.000+08:00

Venezia's Hazelnut and Belgian chocolate.

the empty version of that is sitting in front of me on the computer desk. =P it's in this styrofoam box they packaged as some sort of "family value thing". i wasn't there when the transaction was being made for that box of ice cream. i just know it tasted heavenly. i love belgian chocolate. ahh. (:

today was the day for the juniors one year younger than i. i hope things have gone okay for you guys... hahas. so far, i've received pretty good news from the people around me. such as shengde (my angel**), wanling (mavis' sheng junior.), Lili and peishan and stuff. ((: i'm so glad their efforts paid off. my angel was happy he did his best. i guess as long as you did put in your very best, you can't not be happy, can you? ^^ i didn't hear anything from my suona juniors and my mortal Sara, although I hope and trust things are fine and well with them.

ohh. today was a pleasantful day for me. ((: my mortal gave me this really sweet letter which she ran up to give me.. hahas. and my angel gave me a present. I hope it wasn't out of any obligation he gave me that grey sheep and stuff. =X cos i was quite whiney without his letters. hahas. but yeahh. (: i've exchanged numbers with my angel and mortal, and am planning to keep in touch with them for at least some time!! =) feel so blessedly pleasant to have them as my angel/mortal.

anyhows. here's a short one. i'm tired. and havent done much homework either. hahas. sometimes i suddenly feel this sense of warmth and love for someone.? like hahas. my angel and mortal for example.? ((: makes me feel so much happier knowing love exists in the world. goodnights, ya'll.

shaO.

2005-02-27T17:05:00.000+08:00

i had a heavy day. hahas. it's almost like the whole of week8's tiredness and burdens all accumulated into this haversack on my back, and although saturday was really fun, it has had it toil on me today. =X for one thing, i lost my Bible!! yups. it is arguably the most important possession i carry to church every sunday, and i just couldn't locate it this morning. i had a hunch i may have left it in church, but it's nowhere to be found!!

also, my organ playing for the last week didn't go very well. now not only is my mom getting quite frustrated urging me to get someone to help me with the pedals of the organ.. jeremy also says it is important to play with the pedals 'cause it makes a big difference. hahas. i must suck lol... having to play the organ for the service without even using the pedals. =X anyhows, i'm trying. yes i am!! i tried the 4 fixed songs like the doxology and benediction stuff during the week, but i wasn't confident, so i skipped it this time round. the discouraging thing is (okay, it probably isnt considered very discouraging, since the problem would lie with me, not the situation.) i made mistakes for every song. even right down to the simplest ones. >.< urghh. maybe it's because i'm too tired to really control my fingers 100%. but what rubbish. lol.

oh yeahh. that was the organ. then i skipped my lunch because we were all too busy cramming the fellowship worship preparations. hahahas. it was quite hilarious though, until now when i look back, i realised i sang the songs a gazillion times before the worship, no wonder my throat hurts. it was quite crazy though. i'm thankful yu'an and weizhong really bothered to help jiajia and darius with the piano and guitar respectively. hahas. darius' rhythm scares me so bad, i almost freaked out hearing him play. :p but yayy. things were okay in the end. ((: so it's all God's Grace!!* :D i'm really glad and thankful they really did bother to practice and stuff. like jiajia really did bother to write out the chords and stuff, even though she's still not too comofrtable with it, but she really did try.. and yups. effort and the heart to wanna serve Him and do your best is really encouraging! (: darius too. having the volunteer as a guitarist and willing to practice with us for half an hr before the fellowship really made me pretty impressed. (: like he's suddenly working with us. yeaa.. there's a difference. :)

oh. Bible study wasnt too good though. i'm starting to feel really quite discouraged about my Bible study group. like today, i think my group members (eunice yu'an and eleen) could tell i wasnt really too happy.. urghh. the worst thing you as a group leader can do is leave with your group members can impression that you're not happy with them. =X
anyhows, i joined weizhong's group after we finished, and jt was leading bible study. the moment i sat down at the table, (with their permission of course.), i could feel the mood they had for bible study. they shared - openly and honestly with each other. you could tell the guys really took the time and conscious effort to ponder about what the Scripture was trying to tell them. you could tell they really thought about what they could learn, and how they could apply it in their lives. I was impressed. I always thought the guys were hooligans who knew nothing much more than computer games and basketball. i'm afraid i'm wrong. then i went into the fellowship hall, and i saw shirleen leading her little group in bible study. they were also sharing. relatively personal stuff. shirl could respond to them personally, they could respond to her on a personal level.

initially, i always thought i had difficult people in my group. sometimes i've the inclination to believe that other members of the fellowship were less rowdy and more comfortable with reading the Bible and stuff than mine... until i suddenly realised today that the core of the problem could perhaps lie just within myself. what is it that i didn't do, haven't done, or did wrong. was i too serious? too preachy? what could i do to make my members respond more? i need help. i suddenly see that i need help to become a better leader. it isn't going to help just telling me what to do with my group members. i don't know how to respond to them. maybe i'm just rigid and i gotta teach what's there on the Bible study preparation materials...i end up doing quite a lot of reading. instead of sharing. i don't know how things are suppose to be like. do my group members even learn stuff from Bible study, at all? i mean, if Bible Study is nothing more than just 1. reading scripture. 2. writing their names nicely in ink on the paper. 3. listening to the mentors and group leaders talk. 4. contributing answers which you can very easily say "i dont know" to... then what do you actually learn?? i really dont know how to get to them. how to reach them on a personal level. urghh. i just suck.

i learnt more stuff in church today. For **, i shall type some of them here to share with all who's willing to listen. (:

Today our Bible study text is taken from Luke 9. One of the most important lessons i learnt is the fact that God often chooses to work through little to achieve much. Only so that people can see God's glory and know that it's by His Grace that things work out the way they did. We think of the 12 apostles Jesus Christ picked by himself as her personal disciples to follow him. They weren't high class royalties or rich men that Jesus picked to be his diciples. Instead, they were lowclass people. poor fishermen, tax collector (Matthew) who was looked upon as a scum by those people in those days for his dishonesty in collecting money. Yet, when these people were able to put aside all they had to follow Jesus... and when these people were transformed spiritually the way they were at the end of Jesus' ministry and the time they spent with him, you can really witness the power of the Holy Spirit that had worked in their entire lives. We think about the boy with his 2 bread and 5 fishes, and how Jesus Christ actually performed a miracle by feeding the 5 thousand with just that amount of food alone. He uses people like us. little people who probably is worthless in the eyes of many other people possibly, but I guess God never did despise us for our value huh.

after fellowship, there was a bit of choir practice for Good Friday which we're singing "Like a Lamb" (the Chinese version). It's the song we sang years ago when i was still in Mt.Gerizim BP. ((: brings back kinda a swirl of old memories when you sing it. but the words of the song are so beautiful too. so many images brought out and illustrated through the song. (: love it. A phrase I sang while learning it, kinda struck me. gave me goosebumps for a while. I'll type out the english version of the stanzas for you guys, though i think the Chinese one sounds much better. (i dont really have chinese in this computer.)

Like a Lamb
Like a lamb He goes to slaughter,
Like a lamb, so meek, so still.
Like a lamb He goes to slaughter
on a cross to do His Father's will.

Like a lamb for sin atoning,
Like a lamb, He pays the price
Like a lamb, for sin atoning
on a cross, a perfect sacrifice.

Like a lamb, His life is forfeit,
Like a lamb, He bears our shame
Like a lamb, His life is forfeit
on a cross, He calls His Father's name.

Like a lamb, laid on the altar
Like a lamb, His fate is sealed
Like a lamb, laid on the altar
on a cross, God's wondrous love revealed

On a cross, God's perfect love revealed,
all for us, a Father's love revealed.

revealed.

yeahh. the italic-ed line is the line which i really had goosebumps when i sang it today. Kinda struck me down realising what it really meant for Jesus Christ to be nailed upon the cross - for us. Like a sacrifice, he was laid on the altar. like what other kind of love can you find that's greater than that of God's Love for us. He was ready to die for us. Are we ready to give up the things we have now, for Him?

ahh. the recent discussions we've had in GP regarding religion often makes me quite broody. like when i look at Christianity, suddenly i see it from a different light. like the angle of how a nonbeliever would see Christianity, just like any other religion, not much different from Buddhism or Taoism and stuff. really, there's a whole lotta difference. but right here, we're not talking about a religion or a Faith. we're not saying Christianity provides a set of guidelines from the Bible for us to read and apply. It isn't blind Faith. It's True Faith. and our God is real. and sheesh. it's far more than a god we talk about in other religions. He isn't just like any god. If only people could see. If only.

to end off, i also learnt the impotance and power of prayer. just like Jesus prayed before lots of stuff - picking His disciples, before His arrest, and before the transfiguration... similarly, let's pray to Him. prayer works miracles.

i've been there. (:

shaO.

2005-02-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

whoosh.

ooh. i didnt know i haven't blogged since wednesday. (: i'm the only one awake in my household, and i'm on the second storey, using the computer with the window wide open. the living room which i am sitting in is bright, while the rest of the house is pitch dark. what would happen if suddenly the lights went out?? =P (i'll freak out if it happened.) anyways, the reason why my mind's sidetracking so much is probably because I just watched "hide and seek" today with the suonists. hahas. i know i preferred "hide and seek" to "white noise", simply because i'd rather watch a thriller with a bloody (literally) murderer, than watch some show with EVPs and weird stuff about the dead. =X at least murderers and psychotic cases are explanable. stuff like "white noise" would involve alot of stuff I cannot explain, and would need to find out. not that i believe ghosts exist. evil spirits do.

anyhows, just like "signs", I think i wasted a big portion of my $8.50 curled up on my seat either holding my bag cover up in front of my face refusing to watch the exciting parts; and hugging an arm - courtesy of nette. ((: i know i suck lahh hahas. i can't watch horrors or thrillers for nuts. >.<>.<

we also went to siqi's concert later in the evening. actually i think we suonists rock at getting entangled in some sorta mess. hahas. we met jesseln on the way at ps, and wells. i guess sometimes we all ought to carry a bus directory with us or something. because we got on the wrong bus, and by the time we realised we were on the wrong bus to SCH, we had to take a taxi else we would have been late. =X hahahas. it was quite funny though i remember, finding out we were idiots who had travelled for 15 minutes or so on the wrong bus. like the time xiu and i travelled on the wrong bus home from ndp. lol. took us so long to realise we were on the wrong bus. heh. and yes the concert was pretty good.

i suppose considering the fact i have not been to a music concert or performance for ages, i felt pretty reenergised after the concert in some sense. it was nice sitting through some music thingy. hearing familiar tunes once in a while, like changcheng and hearing familiar sounds. hahahas. like our suona. my favourites? the first piece, and the suona solo. i liked feitian, but i think ntuco could have done a better job. 1 more gaosuo perhaps, and hahas - find some way to make the percussions and drums softer. i also kinda liked the drumming thingy. :) all in all, i think it was a good experience. man, we have another concert next sunday as a section. and i feel i'm going so broke. =X going out with nj people makes me supersuper broke. not that i've any offense against good classy food like pizza hut and stuff.. but yeahh. nette budgets on good food. i budget high on cheap food. hahahas. (: pizza hut's wings and rings were great though. and for once, i didnt need to eat so much. i think.

ahh. i've so many things to prepare for tomorrow, i really hope church goes well. like i just realised i have yet to print out the singspiration songsheet for my fellowship. that i gotta do tomorrow morning. and the organ. and iron my formal wear for tomorrow. and my bible study materials. ahh. oh. also. maybe i should refrain myself a little more, to minimise gossip. be more conscious about what i do and how i act and stuff. dont do unnecessary things. although i think it's perfectly fine to be just comfortable mutual friends. no? -frowns.-

goodnights,
shaO.

*still trying to figure out if the plot of HideandSeek was even feasible in the first place. think the cast was pretty good though. (:

2005-02-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

this is the kinda time when you wish your blog was less private. :p ahh. but who cares.

My ideal partner-

1. Need to be in same sch?
of course not.

2. When he/she goes out, do you want him/her to ask u out too?
not all the time. i believe in maintaining a certain degree of privacy.

3. ah beng/lian or guai kia?
just be himself.

4. got tattoos?
probably not.

5. stay near u?
hmm. it'd be cool if we lived relatively near each other. and not like on different ends of Singapore, that sorta thing. Jurong EastCoast. (: just not too near too.

6. cares everything about u?
i'm really hard to please... =P yups. everything i want him to care about. lol. sensitive enough to care about stuff i'd like him to care about, and sensitive enough to know when I'd rather him leave me alone. hahas. kidding lah. i know no guy's this perfect.

7. jealous % high or low?
focus on God. and get me focused on God too. then we wouldn't have to care about being jealous, 'cos we're focusing on God. and waiting for God to bring us towards each other, with Him in the centre. hahas.. ^^

8. taller or shorter than you?
hahas, yeah, preferably taller. i think it also has something to do with the sense of security that you can have if you've a guy taller than yourself? (: then again. a guy too tall kinda crowds over you and makes me feel kinda inferior. hahas.

9. rich or normal?
I'd like to say I dont' go for materialistic expectations. but just as long as he isn't too poor. but then again, poverty or a hard life is nothing if you're meant for each other. (: wait for me to mature before I convince myself of what i believe is right.

10. with stylo hair or normal?
both would be nice. as in, based on different occasions and stuff. not too concerned with the hair part. but not bochap about it as well. (: that means to have good taste. x)

11. dyed hair or normal color?
normal. i've nothing against dyed hair, but just don't give me a light brown or a reddish blonde or purple or something. yucks.

12. playful or serious?
both. hahas. to balance out my playfulness and seriousness.

13. popular among others?
i dont think popularity matters. i'd prefer one who doesnt have half the school following him wherever he goes that kinda thing, but yeah. i guess even if you're unpopular, it'd seriously depend on why you're unpopular?

14. a flirt or faithful?
NOT a flirt.

15. cleverer den u?
in some areas. hahas. and in others... wells. ((:

16. mature or childish?
both. hahas. also to balance out my maturity and childishness. =P

17. dotes on you?
ehh. not too much. as someone from a single-sex school for 10 years, i still like and cherish the time i have alone and with my girlfriends and stuff. i dont need a guy doting on me all the time. heh. (not that anyone will. hahahas.)

18. a punk kid, a rocker, or a hipper?
neither.

19. bring u home to meet parents?
maybe later on. but definitely not one who cuts me completely out from his family life, that sorta thing.

20. sms u all the time?
kinda. sorta. but then again, "all the time" may turn out to be pretty irritating and a distraction after a while. =X

21. understanding??
yeah.

22. many ex-flames?
actually, no. but i guess it really depends on the personality change in a person's life.

23. sporty?
not unsporty.

24.smoker or non smokerr?
non.

25.muscially inclined?
yupps. yeahh, i agree with xinyi. (: i think a guy ought to have some sorta flair for music, otherwise we just wouldnt be able to connect. he gotta love music. and strive to learn music. and perhaps he could motivate me to learn more music too!! oh yeah. love music, like my suona. :P

hahahas. sheesh. it's so late already. i'm really suppose to be exhausted and conked out. it's week 6 or 7th in term 1? and so i guess well, most people are at their downest dumps now. hahas. like really exhausted and all ready to collapse if they dont hold on to something tightly. so now!! grab onto something steady. 'cos i'm expecting this journey through the period to be rather rocky. =X yups. oh. bad weather recently too, so take care everyone!! ^^ and drink lots of water, and pray hard if you're getting your Os back. (:

God bless. ooh. just remember, really, the results dont matter if you have God to trust in. That's only because you know He has the whole world - and your future - all planned out for you. (: what ever the grades. and if i've been through that, and walked out of that the way i am now just like eveyrone else, jiayou!!

cheers,
shaO.

2005-02-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

yayy. suonists rock. today we seniors went berserk and we decided to be really really sweet angels and surprise our lovely juniors with some all-the-best miniature celebration, prior to them collecting their O level results on probably friday, and jingxin's birthday on saturday. ((: we bought a cake from town after school and even asked to buy a lighter with the cake from the auntie, because we realised we didn't have matches. also, we have a whole bagful of serviettes to clean our suonas with in practices, and it's all safe in the CO room. ^^ hahas.

ooh. the really cool thing was, i never thought we'd be so nice to do such a thing for our juniors!! =P i mean, yeah sure, we're all nice eccentric people, but i never thought we could be so sweet. hahas. anyways, our juniors didn't really seem very "oh my" and astounded by the surprise. i think they expressed their gratitude in different ways than what we expected. hahas. weizhi was super quiet the whole sectional practice though. i wonder why. *hmm.

yeahh. and the results they get on friday or so, will determine if we suonists still need to worry about the limited vacancies in the syf. arghh. no no, i really want my juniors to do well. i really hope they do so well they'll be so happy with their accomplishments. i really hope. but yeah. if all 3 of them stays, it means we won't need to miss anyone, and we can strive for perfection together. but that probably also means things won't be a colourful picture anymore. it could end up being greyscale. =X

i'm not thinking so far. i'm letting God work it out. (:

anyways. i'm looking forward to our outing on saturday before siqi's co concert!! ^^ I heard we've plans to watch Constantine (however horrid some say the show is, or how cute keanu reeves look hahahas like some others claim.) and have dinner. argh. sometimes, i wonder if it's weird growing so attached to your cca friends as compared to your classmates and stuff, when you know, in some sense, your cca position isn't guaranteed stable and stuff. it's all so ironic. ahh. ironies of life.

i had a great time in co today.

i'm so tired, my legs hurt, i feel like sleeping right now and hecking geography.

but it's ting's lesson. =X

shaO.

2005-02-21T17:58:00.000+08:00

math test is tomorrow, and I haven't prepared my formula sheet, nor practised any questions, nor revisited numerical solutions. I've this dreaded ominous feeling that I'll be invited to join the math remedial group. hahahas. =X

well. today is a horrendously packed day. Although there was math test tomorrow, I agreed to go down to Heartland Mall with my sis after school to visit that Chinese Handicraft shop again. hahas. (yes, both of us spent the night and the bus journey doodling suonas and our chinese names all over pieces of paper. ^^) thank God, the woman was still there and she brought her husband along. (: her husband's a really nice guy. i think they were both nice. real patient, while both of us idiotic sisters took such a long time choosing our stones, our designs and stuff. hahas. but anyways, we went around heartland mall shopping for gifts later on, and when we came back to collect it, they sold us an inkpad for a cheaper price, and gave us two free boxes to keep our seals in. ^^ so sweet, eh? ((: made me happy lol.

anyhows. I didn't have a very nice day. In fact, I had my worst experience on the 74 bus i took to Hougang mrt with my sis. damn those people. I still feel the rage. now i believe that I'm not the kind of person who would blow in front of people who makes me mad. not even if i'm driven to. i think i have a high threshhold for anger or something. because if not, I would have blown on the bus with those people.

these group of about 4 or 5 Bowen Secondary students boarded 74 and filled up the back half of the bus. hongmei and i happened to be sitting at the last row in front of them or something. they held rolls of paper in their hands. and they were making a whole lot of noise. then suddenly, i felt this person tapping my shoulder. once. twice. tapping my head. my hair. once. twice. i thought it was a mistake. or something. stupid ignorant me. heh. then i turned around, and they started laughing at hyenas. goblins. those creatures. hah. and i shouldn't degrade them to such an extent. ... then i realised it wasn't an accident or whatever. they were really trying to piss us off. both me and my sis. they took turns crooning in our ears, singing stupid songs they made up about our hair. about our heads. about how "sexy" or whatever we were. mind you. the 3 most crude people out of the bunch of them were 2 girls and a guy. all malays. not that i'm a racist. i'm just stating facts. i got pissed. i turned around, and glared. they laughed. they sang. they crooned some more. later on, my sis blew. turned around and yelled at them, "obviously its' you lah". and then they started going over the limits, and calling us "our friend." HEH. then i asked my hongmei which school those idiots could possibly be in. and then this stupid girl came over behind us and yelled over our shoulder, "eh. ehh monster. you're from xxx primary is it?" and she broke into laughter. and her classmates laughed like idiots behind her. and i ignored them. hahs. call me a coward whatever. but imagine what would happen if i turned around and slapped them or something. i think it wouldnt make them stop. i think it'd just make things uglier. and i was in my nj uniform. heh. the final thing i couldn't tolerate at all before we reached HOugang mall was the same girl who came up and used the stick to hit my head. from the back.

-sorry.-

like WHAT THE HECK lahh. i mean. the bus belongs to you?? just because we don't retaliate means you just go ahead and piss us off. HEYY. i could sue you guys for harrassment or something. and HEYY. damnit. they were just like some bloody mentally-retarded kids or had nothing else better to do than play with strangers and piss them off and see how far they can go. I TELL YOU. I HATE TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT. not because i'm a lazy bum. but because all the nasty experiences happen on public transport. damnit. and after that stupid idiot hit my head, i turned around. glared at them. one by one. and i hecked if they had that fire in their eyes like they wanted to beat me up. GO AHEAD MAN damnit. go ahead and create a commotion in a public place. you're the hooligan. you're the one who's going around irritating the public. sheesh. and it has nothing got to do with ME or MY SIS. you guys are just shitty. i can recognise them lahh. and the next time i see them on the bus. i'm not just going to sit back and pretend like oh, you hit me but i shall just love peace and pretend i didn't feel anything.. DO WE LOOK LIKE WE CAN BE BULLIED? damnit. disrupted all the peace and happines i had.

and all these awful bus experiences one after another. now i know why some people just get so sensitive and blow up even in public by little things. maybe i should learn to become more like tania. stand up for myself. heh. the last time in secondary 1, i remember andrea was making things difficult for me and heh. tania was the one who told her to stop it and stood up for me. and i just submitted. damnit. i feel so inferior.

but yea. whatever. so just now i was super pissed. time with my sis, popcorn chicken and the seal made me happier. and i apologise for any bad language used up there. but whattheheck. yeahh. i'm not angry at you people. i'm just angry at those idiots.. and i suppose for once, they dont deserve to be called anything more than that. and i know there are other singaporeans hooligans like them around our country. i just dont get to meet them much. bowen. hongmei told me not to generalise the entire population. hopefully i won't.

unhappy stuff yeah. (: but my chocolates and notes for the suonists made people happier. so yeah.

shaO.

2005-02-20T18:17:00.000+08:00

haylow. (:

haylow nette. ((:

First of, just wanted to type in a hymn that I came across while choosing songs for Worship for fellowship next sunday. It kind of ties in with the situation I'm facing, both in school, CO and church and my entire life basically. maybe it'd tie in with yours too. :)

He Leadeth Me

He leadeth me! O blessed thought!
O words, with heavenly comfort fraught!
Whatever I do, wherever I be,
Still 'tis God's hand that leadeth me!

[Chorus]
He leadeth me, He leadeth me,
By His own hand He leadeth me:
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Sometimes 'mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me!

Lord, I would clasp They hand in mine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine,
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since 'tis Thy hand that leadeth me!

And when my task on earth is done,
When, by Thy grace, the victory's won,
E'en death's cold wave I will not flee,
Since God through Jordan leadeth me!

yups. I guess when I think about the varying scary possibilities of what is to come, I end up fearing. Today in Sunday school, we learnt that Faith in God does not - and cannot - coexist with fear. Every time i claim that i have Faith, yet I'm not able to let go of my burdens entirely and give them up to Jesus. How ironic is that when I think about it from this angle of thought! I have Faith. but I need to get there. I need to learn to let go and entrust my situation and life entirely to Jesus. can I? can you?

I gave away my blogsite to more people. (: I trust that they're good enough friends of mine and I guess I just wanted to let some more people know how troubled I have been recently. selfish of me to do so, maybe. =X i guess just like any other human being, we want people to sympathise with us, we want to share our sorrows just like we share our joys.

Today at Heartland Mall, my sister and I visited this really nice little Chinese Handicraft shop. This China lady was carving on stones and well, chinese stamps, whatever you call them in Mandarin. ^^ Anyhows, my sis and I got so super excited, because we both started dreaming about our suonas and our chinese names on the stamp and using our new year money to purchase this little lovely seal of sorts. hahas. we were fantasizing stamping our names with our suonas on letters, cards and whathaveyou. =P i think it's a fabulously creatively sweet idea. hahahas. so unless we have a change of plans, I'm going down to Heartland mall with my sis tomorrow after school, to visit that little shop again. and hopefully, she'll be around to help us carve our little seals. :D hahahas. yups. that made me real happy for a while. (:

and yes. I realised being a group leader entails so much more. It's not just doing the list of tangible stuff they expect you to, like preparing for Bible study and stuff. It's not even things like "calling up your group members to talk to them. and build up rapport." It's more of stuff like, guiding them spiritually to grow, directly moulding their lives. and wells, to be honest, I need to learn how to do that. maybe i'm not ready. but I just gotta try.

jiayou everyone. (:

and i'm happy too, because i realised math test is not tomorrow. it's on tuesday. :p

love,
shaO.

2005-02-19T17:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish I could be self-sacrificing and wholeheartedly-giving, and just concentrate on loving others around me. and yes, love entails alot of pain. i think it's so impossible with me. i hate it sometimes when you know what you really hope you can do, but just can't bring yourself to do it. because of what. pride? love for yourself? selfishness? and yet some people are just so great they have it within themselves to love others more than themselves. it isn't all a happy thing. but it's a bittersweet thing. it makes you glow.

i hate it sometimes when life just flings decisions wildly at you and you're just left with nothing else to do, but make them. i don't hate life. i just hate making certain choices. or knowing that with making decisions and love comes very often, pain. suonists. i really do love you guys. i wish things will turn out okay for us. we can still make it.

we can still walk through this - together. we can make it in nj.

shaO.

2005-02-19T10:32:00.000+08:00

i wanted to type an entry yesterday night when I came home from CO, but I guess I was exhausted (I ended up sleeping on my mama's bed next to my brother while watching tv. hahas.) and my sister needed to use the computer. so. (: that's what sharing is all about I guess. :p

ohh. quite a number of things happened yesterday that I'd probably like to include in my diary. I don't quite know where to start. Yesterday, 18 February 2005, was probably the stoniest day I ever had. I don't quite know why I stoned so much, or why the heck my brain kept thinking about what it was thinking about. but yeah. I guess I was tired, and whatever I was thinking about just made me irritated at the inability of my brain to control what I'm thinking of, and that made me overall just. stony. heh. (:

also, CO didn't really manage to perk up my moods like the previous few practices did. for one thing, they already drafted the first round of names for the syf, and there's a whole lot of excess people just ready for whomever's up there to kick out. they justify it a lot by attitude and then, ability I guess. mavis was offered a place in guzheng's percussion group. that consisted of just her and huitian. that's not to say she's not good enough, or she's being kicked out. i guess it's just how things would work out - the practical and perhaps, most fair way - if you were to consider her effort and attitude towards CO as a whole. the exco's just worried that she (like any one of us in a precarious position.) may be kicked out of the syf during the auditions for the final draft. and that's to say, somewhat a sort of well, offer to secure her place in syf.

to look at it on the brighter side, we guys who's involved have the big picture perspective of the whole thing. and really, who cares if other people think you suck and gotta be displaced by your juniors and other shengists. ( this applies for everyone i guess. even suonists. ) we are the ones who knows what's going on. we know you don't suck. heck those people who just wanna go around talking crap, and concentrate and believe in your own abilities. besides, it's called exposure. they will never have that kinda exposure, will they.? hah. [sorry. hahas. I get kinda excited at times. i guess this reminds me of the bus thingy last night with mavis. - elaboration later.] also, if you wanna consider the real world out there, since we have already long justified it is cruel and competitive, i suppose the decision they're asking you to make now, is really not a pressurising or degrading one. rather, it's like an oportunity. i mean, i don't believe we'd get this kinda "discount" if we were in the real world out there now. you don't get nice people trying to help you based on attitude and whatever. ya.? (:

so mavis, jiayou. I totally believe it isn't as bad as you think. After all, we know that God's in control of the whole situation. kinda hard to believe it sometimes when you face super great problems and feel so super in despair. (which I may feel later on. and i dont wanna sound like a hypocrite.) but really, I guess it really helps (when you settle down and get to think about things properly.) to know that you have a Heavenly Father and friend just by your side all the time, believing in you and encouraging you. besides, He's got the whole world in His hands. Why worry.? (:

oh yeah. about the bus incident. we got up 156 last night, after walking out of school from the main gate and talking about wells. CO. and guzheng. heh. we boarded 156. we decided to take some seat close to the back because wells, in some sense, back of the bus = more privacy? hahas. then some bassist and some erhuist got up the bus too. and they were talking. pretty loudly. and for some reason, they happily took the last row of the bus. no problem, although I wasn't too comfortable having 2 COists sitting a row behind us when we were all quite -urgh- about the whole CO situation. anyhows, so they talked. we whispered, that kinda thing. until this erhuist suddenly emphasised super loudly on "the suona people" twice, and then after some time, he mentioned "that sheng person". and come on, man. it was quite obvious.

alright. i must say I'm quite bias here. I never really had a good impression of those two people. and to be absolutely truthful, I've never liked the image of a group of people talking loudly or giggling in a public place. say, for example, the bus. I know sometimes when you're with your own group of super close friends you do that too. and it never feels bitchy or qianbian to laugh and chitchat even in a public place. and yes, i'm guilty of throwing my head back and laughing like at idiot in public too. but anyhows. i don't understand why they had to keep talking about suona and sheng and CO and humming posshuijie and changcheng and all that. i know they weren't talking about njco all the time, and I can't say whether they were criticising us or just objectively talking about us and stuff. but whatever. i just really didn't like the fact the two of them were emphasising on suona and then sheng and they obviously know a suonist and a shengist was sitting a row in front of them. heh. next time i hear them talking about us, i'm gonna do something man. seriously. and if i hear them criticising us. i'm gonna blow. >.<

anyways. i really love you guys, suonists. no matter what happens k. yeahh. sometimes, it kinda sucks knowing too much. but whatever. heh. (:

ooh. anyhows. my mom's car was involved in a pretty bad accident yesterday. i'm not sure about the details, but she said the boot was crushed and the doors of the back seat can't be pryed open. i'm thinking it's pretty bad, and i'm imagining a half-squashed car. but maybe i'm wrong. thank God she's still alive and well, and she's not hurt at all. man, can't believe what would happen if she were to get hurt. =X anyhows, been quite scary lately. lots of rather unhappy things has been happening, and wells, it's kinda hard being optimistic and happy with so much stuff happening around you, you need to remember to take regular breaths and stuff. hahas. urgh. pray pray pray. meanwhile, that means for the next week or so. i gotta wake up at 5 plus to take a bus to school. =X

lol. God bless everyone,

shaO.

2005-02-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

I still dont know a few lines of the NJC's english school song. lol. I tried singing what I could this morning, but I still broke down into mumbles at certain parts of the song, trying to fumble my way through and not making it too obvious. (: not that people even sing the song anyways. hahas.

this morning, my mama asked me about wells, my future and what considerations or plans I had for it. Maybe it's because I still don't have anything substantial to offer as a plan of sorts, but I guess it's mostly because I've never really tried voicing out what I hope to do in the future. When I first tried to stress that I would like to be a counselor, I guess my mom just didn't believe I was serious. I'm not sure when I had this idea to be a counselor. if i'm not wrong it was in lower secondary. till now. hahas. Now that I'm saying it quite often, she's somewhat getting my point that I'm interested in a career along that direction I suppose.

this morning, my mama told me it isn't easy becoming a counselor. I know she's always been telling me that. Stuff like being a counselor, you need to have a very steadfast and strong mental and psychological perspective towards life. And as a Christian, I'm certain I want to become a Christian counselor, not a secular one. I know I've been pessimistic for a very large part of my life. but right now, as always, I believe in the possibility of changes. I don't believe I cannot change to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally. I don't believe I cannot grow to become one more suited for such a job.

Yet, as I thought about it, I realised it wouldn't be as easy as I thought it would be. Nothing comes easy in this world, I suppose. I imagined trying to counsel someone with a domestic problem. I figured it wouldn't be as easy as "relying on your instincts". What does a counselor does first? After you listen to someone's problem, what else do you do? What kind of advice or help can you offer? Where do you draw the line between getting too involved and being too distant? If the person isn't interested in listening to you, what would you do? I'm so much more likely to turn away from the problem, and try my 'luck' somewhere else. That's so not what I should do. =X

next topic. :p

maybe it's my own personal opinion or whatever, but I think GP lessons with Teo are getting more and more ineffective and urgh. I have yet to figure out a proper word. heh. Our last topic for GP was regarding Marriage. Lessons after lessons we spend listening to her and the more vocal classmates voice their opinions regarding Marriage and society and ethics and stuff. sometimes we get down to a certain degree of constructive work. drawing mindmaps, writing points and stuff. but for the past few GP lessons, we've been doing virtually nothing more than verbal discussions and opinion exchange. Today, Teo came into class announcing happily that "The question for today is, 'Is homosexuality moral?'" we ended up spending 1 hour and 40 minutes debating between whether or not homosexuality is moral or not. and is morality even definable. and wells, sometimes they broke into out-of-the-blue questions like, how do girls and girls or guys and guys actually do it. and how do guys think when they see a girl they like. and stuff like that. stuff which can be avoided during GP and discussed outside the classroom. for a moment I felt like I was in a wrong class. maybe i'm just well, conservative or something. but really, I'm curious about such stuff sometimes, but maybe draw the line between GP and free discussions. Because it really seemed more like some debating sharing session that some GP lesson. anyhows, they also touched on the topic of Christianity and religion's perspective on the topic of homosexuality.

There aren't alot of Christians in my GP class. but that's not the main point here. hahas. I think it's sad when sometimes we hear people talk about 'god' and christianity as if it's some other set of religious practices and teachings and the they don't really understand what christianity's all about. like a few people were talking about it.. and asking why God set such rules and how certain could man be sure that these rules (say like the 10 Commandments) were made for man to follow. so what if we are homosexuals. does the Bible specifically say that homosexuals can't go to Heaven? since everyone sin, shouldn't homosexuality be considered "just another sin" or something? to be honest, I've never really thought of these questions very much before. but i did realise that many people may talk as if they know religions well as freethinkers. but in actual fact, they don't. they don't know what christianity comprises of. do they understand it's a personal relationship between God and yourself.? if they do understand, they wouldn't take 'sinning' lightly, and in some sense expect forgiveness and salvation to come free and easy as that. i guess that means we gotta do lots of sharing with our close friends.

damn. sometimes I really wonder why i'm so passive about my Faith. why we all are nowadays. it doesn't seem like the norm to go around talking to people about my beliefs and yours, does it? hahas. urgh. our next topic for GP would be religion. Let's hope I can contribute more - perhaps - in class next time 'round. heh. sheesh. that's tomorrow. :p

praying for my sisters' thumb, (it swelled when she kiapped it against the car door.)

shaO.

2005-02-16T20:02:00.000+08:00

life is good.

not because everything's cool now and i'm having a real great time in njc. rather, because i know there's nice little things that happen along the way that makes life rocks the way it is. (: not too much, just a little. lest the boat capsizes. ^^

i was high again today in school. =X I've no idea why I can go hyper for no rhyme or reason. I'm so retarded sometimes. blahh. after doing library duty, I went crazy. spoke in some accent I suppose was the British accent according to everyone else, though I denied it as first. laughed like some crazy nutcase for the slightest reason. and blabbered a whole lot of rubbish. i laughed like crazy on the bus before I boarded it to go to qq's house. and shit. the last time I checked, nj isn't too forgiving with retarded people like myself when I go high. =X

I hope nobody saw me. :p hahahahs.

qq has a nice new house. and she lives next to the billibong guy in living with lydia. we saw him half-dressed when he was hanging his clothes in the porch. i think it was the porch. hahas. the last time I went to shara's house, and now i'm in qq's house. and both their houses are just so.. clean. lol. well-furnished, and designed by an interior designer. it's really quite cool, living in some designers' room. hahas. i suddenly felt inspired to become an interior designer myself!! (: beautiful new place. great facilities. and it's almost like you're living in a hotel or resort everyday. but I don't really envy them very much. yeah, I'd love to have my own well-furnished little apartment in the future, but I don't exactly dream to live in a big apartment with nice marbled tiled floors and glass windows and marbled toilets and stuff. apart from the maintenance part you really need, I don't think having a happy life lies just in the house itself. hahas.

today. as i was walking home, i suddenly realised how much I loved the suonists. argh. i know it could sound really cheesy or whatever. but I love them all. i'm contemplating posting a Friendster bulletin just to make an announcement that I appreciate them loads. (: I really thank God for them. really really do. today. as i was walking home, I came across auntie zhu the PLMGPS bus auntie who used to send me home. (: she's really a nice auntie. gave us lollipops on childrens' day and angpaos on Chinese New year. i think she still remembered me, cos when I glanced by, I saw some hand waving in the rearview mirror. *beams* :D i love pl a lot too. man, it has to be like.. 5, 6 years ago that I took her bus.

sometimes, little things like that happen in life that when you ponder over it, it makes life all worthwhile. sometimes, you stop and you feel really kinda stupid just thinking and feeling all these ridiculous emotions all of a sudden. but I guess it really makes a difference. (: it makes life seem so much more beautiful. so much more tolerable.

should I go to prom?

shaO.

2005-02-15T21:35:00.000+08:00

i think the workload in year2 is really starting to pile up. like in those cartoons when the bad guy casts a spell on the good guy and black gooey stuff starts creeping up the good guy's legs.. and eventually he gets covered with the gooey stuff, and you just don't get out of it easily. =X I realised there's no time to change my blogskin (even though the blue is really getting to me now.) and post proper posts.

take today for example. CO ended at 8pm. I reached home at close to 9pm. I had dinner, bathed and I've a whole bunch of homework to do for tomorrow. And geography and maths scare me to the core for some reason. Not that ms wong is scary. She's just... she's just the kind of teacher you wouldn't want to offend, because her frequency isn't the same as yours. so, there. (: And ting. heh. I don't need to elaborate, do I? Going for her lessons are like trespassing a palace or something and sneaking in and trying to sneak out alive. for the thrill of it. cynical illustration. whatever. I'm in a hurry, so I'll just post about the important stuff that happened today.

important stuff 1: I lost my wallet!! I mean, in the midst of the trauma and everything, i guess I still have God and Mavis to thank. I didn't get up 156 before finding I'm walletless, and Mavis is broke. I realised my bag was walletless before the bus arrived. And, Mavis waited for me. Imagine myself scrambling to think about where I last left my wallet without anyone to sit there with me, and calm my nerves hahas. Come to think of it, I was quite composed. I didn't go hysterical or anything. I just hope I get it back. Because there's lots of important stuff in there. like my ezlink card, my receipts for YPF purchases, $6 I guess from my allowance, little friendship cards.. hahas. and erm. my I/C. and my organ key. (thank God again i dont need the organ key to practice the organ this week. or else some nice soul in church will have to come down and help me unlock the organ.)

important stuff 2: I really do love my suona. Today we tried out for the percussions section in CO, because they have 2 vacancies for us, and the exco were giving us a chance to try out because they think we probably need the vacancy for syf. I need the partipcipation for syf. I do. =X anyways, we 4 senior suonists plus mavis and geraldine went down to "try out". I wasn't sure if it was the actual auditions for percussions, but I had a feeling I screwed up bad. Aaron's good though. (: Maybe he'll join percussions. but then again, I'm not ready to shoo anyone off. I really want us to go for syf as suonists. That's my ultimate ultimate wish. My second ultimate wish would be, i guess, that we suonists all go for syf as "a suonist at heart". lol. but whatever. Life doesn't offer that many good things huh. Or rather, God offers some stuff that's really good actually, but we don't necessarily see it as such. I hope I'm not like, blind to anything good that's going on around me, cos I need lots of reasons to be happy. hahas. :)

i'm worried about geography tomorrow. But who cares lahh. Ting is going to get us someday anyway. I just got to learn to live with it. It's like.. learning to live with gangsters coming after you every day. or living during a period of war when your enemy troops can march into your house anytime and demand the submission of any family member over. hahas. eeks.

as Christin said, it makes no difference whether you worry or not.

arghh. geography. here i come.

shaO.